Making Mistakes

Over drinks with another couple last night, our conversation steered toward kids, namely parenting our kids.  It was a great discussion, back and forth on how to handle boyfriends and cell phones and whether they should go to private school.  One of our major points was how our children want for nothing.  They hardly know what it means to struggle, to yearn for something, to work toward something for months, if not years.  Sadly, we are to blame.  We don’t let them struggle.  We do things for them whether they can manage it or not - usually without even knowing their thresh hold.  Half the time we neglect teaching them how to do things like the mowing, the ironing or the cooking, for fear that they are too busy, its too hard or that they’ll screw it up.  We fear them making mistakes, and not doing it the way we like. This is one of those areas where my theoretical Life differs more than I would like from my real life.  I have to credit Glennon Melton from Momastery with making that distinction for me: Life with a capital ‘L’ is the one that holds my beliefs, my ideals, my ideology - what I strive to do, be, accomplish, and life with a little ‘l‘ is what actually transpires in my house, my interactions and my experiences.  

I read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck, Ph.D., in which she describes the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. I wholeheartedly believe in the growth mindset: there is nothing we can’t learn to do, mistakes are challenges we must overcome, and opportunities for growth.  It is where the greatest learning happens.  We should celebrate our mistakes, because they teach us resiliency, problem solving, and resourcefulness.  I firmly believe we all should make mistakes, and learn from them.  In Life that is.

Growing up, I was definitely a product (and believer) of the fixed mindset.  Any mistakes were bad - I avoided them at all costs.  Mistakes meant lack of talent.  I often didn’t attempt new things for fear I’d do it wrong - or even simply that I wouldn’t do it well.  I never tried out for the field hockey team after I moved to a new high school - I might not have been good enough.  I never did ALL my homework, because if I truly worked my hardest and didn’t get straight A’s - what would that say about me?  At least this way, if I didn’t get straight A’s, I knew I could have tried harder if I’d wanted to!  This idea that I have to do everything perfectly or not at all has carried over into my adult life.  Certainly my writing life.  I constantly fight with myself - Who do you think you are to write?  You weren’t a writing major - not even an English major!   It’s exhausting.  And unproductive.  And it is not the Life I want - for any of us. 

In my life life however lofty my intentions are, the reality is often different.  I snap at the kids for their coats and backpacks strewn across the mudroom floor.  I yell about gloves lost at school.  And I full on scream when they push me too far with bad behavior and back talk.   I even get upset about their grades - not yelling upset or grounding them upset, but the “I’m so disappointed in you” upset.  After the fact I find myself on clean-up duty - cleaning up my life response and making it more in line with my Life response: “I’m sorry for screaming at you.” Or, “Lets think about how you can get that grade up.  What do you think should be done here?”  I’m afraid that my bad reaction to their screw ups will instill this idea that mistakes are fatal, that it will instill the same fixed mindset I am trying to overcome!

I once heard that our children and their struggles are mirrors of our own issues and obstacles.  Again, I try to remind myself of that when they do something stupid.  Allowing them mistakes, giving them room to grow and learn, embracing their own imperfection so they can find a better way.  These are for sure my issues too.

So, I pledge to try really hard to let them make mistakes.  Let them screw up and know they will still be loved, life will go on, we will work together to find solutions and ways to fix whatever was broken.  There is always some sort of consequence for our actions, some will be bigger than others, some better, some worse.  But if things don’t turn out perfectly the first time, or ever, that’s okay too.  The journey is just as important.  We can’t live today without having lived yesterday.  I constantly remind myself that I WANT them to screw up now, while the stakes are lesser versus later into teen-hood or adulthood when the consequences could be far worse. Imagine texting inappropriate language now versus inappropriate photos later, for example.  Or having a beer here at home compared to having your stomach pumped at college because you have never been permitted to go near alcohol.  Or even worse, getting in the car with a drunk driver because you feel you could never admit to your parents where you were and what you were doing! 

This brings to mind the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The fourth agreement is to “Do Your Best”, and know everyone else is doing their best as well.  Our best changes on a daily basis - what we can do one day may be better or worse than the day before.  If we could do better, surely we would.  And so would our kids.  I will try to take each day, each encounter on a moment by moment, mistake by mistake basis.  I continue to try to bring my life in line with my Life.  It’s a daily struggle.  And yes - I fall short many days.  But mistakes are okay.  Right?  

Word of the month...

So I had a session with Tara yesterday.  Tara is my emotional, spiritual and energetic teacher (or guru!)  Usually when I go to see her, I am at the point of desperation - exhausted and depleted and at a complete loss for how I got there.  However, yesterday, I went in feeling unbelievably calm and at peace.  I had mulled over what I wanted to talk to her about and work on, since I seemed to be at a very well balanced point.

Over the past couple of years I have consistently worked on saying NO to things (volunteering, meetings, get togethers, phone calls, making dinner, etc), in order to make my life feel more in balance.  I know myself well enough (as do most friends), to know I HATE having too many things on the calendar.  I dread the weeks where everyday is packed full of appointments and school functions and meetings and sporting events and so on.  Even when most of them are fun events - too many and I get cranky!  I truly would find myself depressed. Thankfully, finally, NOW I understand why - because I need those open spaces.  I need the unscheduled time.  I NEED time to think, to plan, to create - to decide what to have for dinner.  (As my husband can attest, if I’m too busy with other “stuff”, I DO NOT cook dinner... One of my daily gratitudes is that we are able to afford ordering out more than once a week!)  

I digress.  Anyway, I have also come to recognize that I need my writing time.  Although it is way too easy to push writing aside - seeing as I don’t get paid to do it (yet!).  However, I can feel it when I haven’t written in several days (I’m sure everyone in my house can feel it too!)  Kind of like exercise, writing is my release.  It’s where I expend my pent up creative energy.  It’s also where I try to make sense of the world.  It’s an emotional outlet and a philosophical one too.  It’s ironic really, that when talking to friends, I get SO sick of hearing myself talk (can't imagine how they feel!).  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to talk (again - ask my poor husband!) but at the same time, I get all nervous and insecure.  Am I talking too much?  Am I boring this person?  Am I lecturing?  I seriously need to just stop talking!  This is where I’ll interject a question and try to shut up.  However, with writing it’s a whole different game.  It’s just me, myself and my words.  I hardly ever get tired of hearing myself write!  I need it.  I need to carve out the time for it.  Which often means saying no to friends or my mom or even my husband, so that I can have an hour or two with my keyboard.

Currently, at this very moment in time, I have been building in writing time.  I have also been taking care of my PTO responsibilities, I have not been taking on too many other obligations that will NOT bring me joy.  I have (barely) been squeezing in workouts, I have been able to see friends, I’ve been taking care of business across the board!  And it feels great - the more I’m functioning from this lovely level stand point, the more I seem to be getting done.  I have my Christmas cards signed and sealed, my tree is up, the house is decorated, the gifts are just about all bought - and mostly all wrapped too.  I am on top if it!  Yahoo!  I’m very happy.

So, what do I want to work on with Tara?  What is next in my emotional development?

We discussed all the good stuff from above.  Then I mentioned that although there is all of this positive stuff for which I am so grateful, I still find that I have ALL of these emotions running just under my surface.  I well up at the littlest things - and have to swallow what could easily turn into sobs.  In fact, on the car ride to see Tara, I went from chuckling over the DJ on the radio calling Nicki Minaj “Sass and frass”, to near bawling ten seconds later when they played Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe'!  Call Me Maybe is making me cry!!!!!!  Granted, all I could picture was my 11 year old daughter and 167 other middle school students who were dancing and singing this song at the Unified Theatre production a week ago - but still.  Where did that come from?  I had to fight back those tears - I could’t go in to see Tara already sniffling - that would make it seem like I had big issues.  And I don’t!  Right?

I did share all of this with Tara.  As always, she led me on path toward discovery...  

What IS the emotion - is it sadness, anger, fear, loss?  I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I think it tends toward VULNERABILITY!  (Funny how that word keeps popping up lately).  I think I feel scared or hurt or sad, for so many things in life.  (Mainly because I FEEL so many things in life.)  I felt awe for those students with special needs who stood up on that stage in front of their peers.  I felt overwhelming joy to see all the other kids who were up there as well, supporting them.  I felt such respect for the parents of those kids with special needs, because that is a hard job.  All parenting is hard.  But knowing that your child may be even more vulnerable than the average kid must be so scary…     I feel fear that my children will suffer from being rejected by friends or classmates.  Or that they will feel insecure or sad or lonely.  However, I worry most of all about loss.  Losing a loved one - or worse in some ways for me - leaving my loved ones if I were to die - leaving them with all that sorrow and loss.  I guess it’s fear of pain and suffering - mostly the emotional kind.  I fear it because I know it.  And its not easy to rectify or overcome.  Even when you have come so far and done so much and are at such a good place.  Even when I have…  So what is that huge well of emotion just under my surface?  Ugh.  Tara doesn’t like when I say “I don’t know,” because she claims I do.  I think I know too, I just haven’t been willing to go there fully.

So that is my homework.  The next time those tears well up from some seemingly insignificant, random moment (probably a Hallmark commercial), I need to allow it come up.  I need to feel where its coming from.  I need to feel it and go there.  Offer it and allow it a release.  So if you see me crying on the sidelines of a lacrosse game or while cheering on kids at the Mitten Run, you’ll know I’m allowing myself to go there!  And that ironically, despite airing my weaknesses, I am getting stronger - by fully immersing myself in my vulnerability, I am opening myself up to connecting on a deeper level with everyone else.  It almost sounds nice!

I find it so interesting (and serendipitous) that Tara echoed so many of the ideas that Brene Brown spoke of in her TED talk.  Vulnerability is the word of the month for me!  

  

I’m writing this hoping you can find your balance too, and that we will all able to make those connections, that come from our vulnerable moments, stronger, better and deeper.  So, here's to exposing yourself ( in a legal way!)         

Love Letter

Speaking of serendipity, I had read Glennon’s blog about Dr. Brene Brown, and her work on vulnerability, shame and self worth.  I clicked on the links and watched Dr. Brown’s TED Talk videos and was mesmerized.  I loved them!  During this same time, I met a beautiful, young 21 year old woman who is struggling greatly right now - greatly.  It made me want to write a letter to her, saying hang in there.  I wanted to share some of Brene’s messages and ideas, as well as my own - to say it will get better.  On top of all of that it happens to be Thanksgiving today.  So, in an effort to offer my thanks, and share my thoughts I write this post - this love letter.  

This letter is to Tanya.  It’s also to all of those vulnerable souls who think that life is just too hard, to all of us (including myself) who need a pep talk, and to my kids too - of all the things I want you to know, of all the lessons I may teach you, I hope and pray I make this one clear.  

Life can be incredibly hard and it can suck!  Sometimes it just sucks the breath right out of you.  And sometimes it seems so dark and so hard, like it will never, ever get better.  It may seem like there is no way out.  BUT here’s the thing - there is ALWAYS a way out.  There is always a door or a window.  It just might be too dark for you to see it, but it’s there.  Sometimes you need to ride out the darkness, like riding out a storm - there will be an end to it, a dawn.  And that dark room you find yourself in, is also full of other people - people who love you.  They love you because you are you.  For no other reason.  It may not feel like it now, you may not realize they are there, but it’s true.  Please wait it out.  Don’t give up.

As much as life can be hard, it can also be beautiful.  For every dark night, there is a brilliant dawn.  And for every devastating storm, there is a majestic sky or a perfect rainbow.  For every self centered, nasty person you meet, there is an amazingly generous and kind one.  I know this sounds so cliche and easy.  But there is such truth to it - to the Yin-Yang of life.  And it is in those moments where a total stranger will perform some random act of kindness - like paying the toll for the person behind them, or driving supplies to NY and NJ to people who lost everything in the hurricane - those things make it all worth while.  Those moments of love, kindness and beauty make it worth the struggle and the hardship.  You have to know it will get better.

And know this too - we have ALL had those moments of hating life.  Of wanting to give up, or get out.  You are not alone.  I haven’t met one person who hasn’t felt overwhelmed at times, and sad, depressed, angry and so, so tired of it all.  Who hasn’t had a time when they woke up and felt that hundred pound weight on their chest, so heavy it hurt to breathe?  We struggle, but we push through, even when we don’t know how - or why.  You can do it.   You will come out the other side.  One day you will look back and say, “Thank God.  Thank God I didn’t give up altogether.  I am so happy that I am still here.”  

Here is another truth: You have many, many amazing moments ahead of you.  There are so many MORE people out there waiting to meet you, and to love you.  You have new friends to make - friends you may not meet for another ten years, but they will be there.  You are just at the starting gates of your life and learning what you can accomplish.  You have the capacity to move mountains, you just need to learn your own self worth.  The more you experience, the more you struggle through these trying times, the more you will come to realize you are strong.  The more you experience, the more you will come to trust yourself ... and things will get easier.  

Okay, but here’s the biggest truth of all: you don’t need to be perfect.  You don’t need to do it all.  You can stumble and fall and fail, and you will still be a beautiful person.  People will love you even more when they realize how human you are.  Showing your vulnerability makes you stronger!  (That is a tough one for me, but it’s true!)  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows for you to connect to other people.  You deserve love and light and all things good - not because of something you have done to deserve it, but because you are worth it.  Just YOU.  You are enough.  You always have been and always will be.  It’s not straight A’s that make you worthy, its not being captain of the football team, or the number of goals scored in soccer or the clothes you wear, it’s not that scholarship or that job or the group of friends or the perfect house - it’s the YOU on the inside.  

One last quote from Brene Brown, “You are imperfect, and you’re wired to struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”  You are worthy.  Please remember that - all of you fragile souls and all of you sturdy souls, young or old.  You are worthy, you are enough.  Keep pushing through.  I for one, am very thankful that you are here.  

Making Meaning of out Molehills

Hello again to my old friends.  I call you friends because if you are still reading my blog after my 7 month hiatus, you are awfully kind.  And realistically, most of you who read this already are my friends!

So, you may have noticed, I've had somewhat of a hard time writing on my blog lately. Well, okay - since I started!  But lately at least I can say, it’s Glennon’s fault.  Once I started to read Glennon’s blog, Momastery, I’ve felt somewhat frozen - like a deer in the headlights.  

“G” as her ‘monkees’ call her is so AMAZING!  Amazingly open, amazingly honest, amazingly heart-felt - all the time!  No matter what she is talking about.  She uses humor and humility and grace in everything she writes.  And her message time and time again is let’s just be kind to each other, let’s support each other and love those around us (and those not around us), because they need it.  I LOVE GLENNON!!!  Actually, I don’t really know her, but I love her message.  She writes the kind of stuff and with the kind of voice that I wish I had.  

So G - you have been so inspiring, but also so paralyzing for me.  I don’t have your story.  Of course, I have my own, but I haven’t been able to turn into this powerful vehicle, as you have.  Please don’t misunderstand me - I admire you, and cheer for you, and am in awe of all you do.  But I haven’t really found that voice - my voice - the way you have.  And sometimes that makes me feel stuck.

I did however find something interesting last night, which I feel is helping me to connect the dots that make up my writing life.  I was reading Lucy Calkins, The Art of Teaching Writing, (a little light bed time reading!), and here is what I found:

“We grow a piece of writing not only by jotting notes and writing rough drafts, but also by noticing, wondering, remembering, questioning and yearning. ...but it also comes from lingering with a bit of life and layering it with meaning.  Writing … is not a process of recording details but one of making significance of them.”  

Lucy Calkins also quotes Theodore Roethke, who said, 

“If our lives don’t feel significant, sometimes it’s not our lives, but our response to our lives, which needs to be richer.”   

Oh Lucy!  You are amazing too!  I felt like it all clicked for me.  I’ve been looking for the meaning ever since I can remember.  My favorite books are the ones that strike a cord of meaning for me.  My favorite songs are the ones where the lyrics really speak to me.  And the things I want to and like to write are ones that hold meaning.  Purpose.  That speak to the understanding or the deciphering!

What I love so much about Momastery is that she takes the most ordinary moment, and sometimes the most difficult moments and Glennon is able to tell about it in a simple yet profound way.  She finds the significance in it - the meaning.  She finds the humanity in it which is what connects us to the piece and to each other.   That’s what its all about, isn’t it?  Connecting.

One more Lucy quote that I love:

“Writing allows us to turn the chaos into something beautiful, to frame selected moments, to uncover and celebrate the organizing patterns of our existence.”

So… I’m not sure if this will help me write MORE often - but I hope it will.  Either way, at least you (and I) know where I’m coming from.  What my goal is, my direction.  My destination: Meaning!  

Now I just need to work on that annoying perfectionist who waits for the perfect , complete idea to fall into her lap!

         

Picture Book Picks

As some of you may know, I LOVE PICTURE BOOKS!  When I grow up, I want to be a picture book author.  Which is, frustratingly, so much harder than it sounds.  None-the-less, I’m an avid picture book reader in an effort to know the market, become inspired and mainly just because I enjoy it.  Here are my latest purchases and I must say, I am completely in love with all three.

Marcel the Shell With Shoes On, Things About Me by Jenny Slate and Dean Fletcher-Camp (dig the hyphenated name by the way).  Sigh.  Love, love, love this book!!!  I know I keep throwing that word around, but it’s true.  Marcel, I’m in love with you!  This is a picture book rendition of their popular Youtube video of Marcel, which I’m embarrassed to admit I only heard about AFTER I got the book.  The illustrations are beautifully painted by Amy Lind, based on photographs taken by David A. Erickson and they masterfully lead the reader through Marcel’s world.  Marcel’s voice is evident through his words but also through the pictures and timing of the page turns.  Read it - you’ll love it too!

Mud by Mary Lyn Ray, illustrated by Lauren Stringer.  This book will appeal to all your senses, as it perfectly depicts this eternal childhood fascination.  It’s the quintessential spring book.   “Winter will squish, squck, sop, splat, slurp, melt in mud.”  The lyrical language and lush, colorful paintings are a perfect match.  Your inner child will love it for sure! 

Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman.  Nancy Tillman is another one that I LOVE!  I adore the simple message of, what else, LOVE, that she conveys in all her stories.  Equally as appealing are her illustrations which combine photographs and painting, creating this magical feel.  It’s what every mother wants to convey to her children: I will love you, wherever you may go in life - and may you go far, knowing how much I love you.  Another sigh.  Dreamy.  Read it!

There you have it!  Those are my picture book picks.  I would of course, LOVE to hear about any great books you wish to share!

Spain - part 1

Barcelona

The thought of one day living somewhere warm, coastal and European has been a lingering dream for my husband and me.  Spain was one country neither of us had seen, so we packed up the three kids and five suitcases and off we flew.

We spent six days in Barcelona, staying at the Roger de Lluria Hotel.  It was a lovely hotel and centrally located.  The hotel clerks were always helpful, especially Hakim!  We were in walking distance to La Rambla, Passiage De Gracia,  the Gothic quarter and the Cathedral, as well as many of Gaudi’s famous buildings like La Peddler and Casa Batllo.

We didn’t get to do all the things we would have liked, based on the fact that we had an 8 year old, a 10 year old and a 12 year old to feed, transport and entertain.  Being that there were five of us, taxis were only an option if we wanted to take two and pay a fortune.  The busses and subways were fairly easy to navigate and buying a ten ride pass made it much more manageable.  Mainly, we relied on walking, and walking we did!

Highlights included spending the day at Montjuic: taking the gondola (or Funicular) up to the fortress at the top,  finding a playground in the park with gigantic slides (the kids favorite part), and visiting the Olympic Stadium and grounds.  

Museums were not really on our list, due to the amount of walking we were doing everyday.  It was a balancing act of keeping the kids busy and moving, but not getting too worn out. 

We also had fun visiting the waterfront areas called La Barceloneta, Port Vell and Port Olympic, and enjoyed a sunny lunch on the beach.  

Visiting one of the many markets was high on our list so we stopped at La Boqueria for snacks.  The fresh fruit smooties were a hit!  

There were other sights that we did visit but not listed here, and even more that we didn’t get to.  Keeping the troops happy required a laid back and flexible approach and meant seeing a little less.  Just one more reason to travel to Barcelona again!  

Next we headed to Grenada… Spain Part 2

Back in the Saddle Again!

‘Think back to a pivotal moment from your childhood.  One where the emotions are still raw and fresh.  It could be good or bad.  An epiphany or a turning point.’  This was the question posed to eleven of us by author and editor Rich Wallace at the Highlights Foundation workshop this past weekend in Pennsylvania.   

The answers varied greatly: shop lifting, foster siblings, bicycle accidents.  My moment was from middle school when I first realized my older brother did not in fact hate me, but actually cared for me - as evidenced by his ‘roughing up‘ a classmate of mine who was mean to me.  (Ah, the good old days!) 

No matter what the subject matter though, the moments and more specifically the emotions were powerful.  After spending three and a half days with this group children’s writers and the amazing editors (and authors) who ran the workshop, several of us had an adult epiphany.  Heather was the one to express it at our final Q & A session:  She had tears in her eyes as she explained that this weekend had really been a defining moment for her and her career as a child’s author, her adult turning point.  I think she spoke for many of us.  It was a powerful, informative, fun filled, inspiring weekend.  

The workshop presenters also included Lou Warnycia, Rachel Buchholz and Paula Marrow, as well as special guest Darlyne Murawski.  They shared the ins and outs of getting published in the magazine market: how to write a good query letter, what the revision process looks like behind the scenes, how to really study the magazine market and so much more!

In between these packed sessions were amazingly delicious meals and entertaining conversation.  My favorite was sitting next to Cristina Kessler and Darlyne Murawski, listening to them swap stories of snake encounters in the rain forest and lion attacks in the African bush.

The weekend also included lots of one on one sessions with the editors and a chance to have our work evaluated.  The entire experience was invaluable.  It has given me such renewed purpose and energy.  If you are interested in writing for children and have not yet had the chance to attend a Highlights Foundation Workshop, I beg you to look into it and GO!  And I thank Kent Brown Jr. for his dedication to the art of writing for children and providing such amazing forums!

Giddy up!  Gotta go write!