Word of the month...

So I had a session with Tara yesterday.  Tara is my emotional, spiritual and energetic teacher (or guru!)  Usually when I go to see her, I am at the point of desperation - exhausted and depleted and at a complete loss for how I got there.  However, yesterday, I went in feeling unbelievably calm and at peace.  I had mulled over what I wanted to talk to her about and work on, since I seemed to be at a very well balanced point.

Over the past couple of years I have consistently worked on saying NO to things (volunteering, meetings, get togethers, phone calls, making dinner, etc), in order to make my life feel more in balance.  I know myself well enough (as do most friends), to know I HATE having too many things on the calendar.  I dread the weeks where everyday is packed full of appointments and school functions and meetings and sporting events and so on.  Even when most of them are fun events - too many and I get cranky!  I truly would find myself depressed. Thankfully, finally, NOW I understand why - because I need those open spaces.  I need the unscheduled time.  I NEED time to think, to plan, to create - to decide what to have for dinner.  (As my husband can attest, if I’m too busy with other “stuff”, I DO NOT cook dinner... One of my daily gratitudes is that we are able to afford ordering out more than once a week!)  

I digress.  Anyway, I have also come to recognize that I need my writing time.  Although it is way too easy to push writing aside - seeing as I don’t get paid to do it (yet!).  However, I can feel it when I haven’t written in several days (I’m sure everyone in my house can feel it too!)  Kind of like exercise, writing is my release.  It’s where I expend my pent up creative energy.  It’s also where I try to make sense of the world.  It’s an emotional outlet and a philosophical one too.  It’s ironic really, that when talking to friends, I get SO sick of hearing myself talk (can't imagine how they feel!).  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to talk (again - ask my poor husband!) but at the same time, I get all nervous and insecure.  Am I talking too much?  Am I boring this person?  Am I lecturing?  I seriously need to just stop talking!  This is where I’ll interject a question and try to shut up.  However, with writing it’s a whole different game.  It’s just me, myself and my words.  I hardly ever get tired of hearing myself write!  I need it.  I need to carve out the time for it.  Which often means saying no to friends or my mom or even my husband, so that I can have an hour or two with my keyboard.

Currently, at this very moment in time, I have been building in writing time.  I have also been taking care of my PTO responsibilities, I have not been taking on too many other obligations that will NOT bring me joy.  I have (barely) been squeezing in workouts, I have been able to see friends, I’ve been taking care of business across the board!  And it feels great - the more I’m functioning from this lovely level stand point, the more I seem to be getting done.  I have my Christmas cards signed and sealed, my tree is up, the house is decorated, the gifts are just about all bought - and mostly all wrapped too.  I am on top if it!  Yahoo!  I’m very happy.

So, what do I want to work on with Tara?  What is next in my emotional development?

We discussed all the good stuff from above.  Then I mentioned that although there is all of this positive stuff for which I am so grateful, I still find that I have ALL of these emotions running just under my surface.  I well up at the littlest things - and have to swallow what could easily turn into sobs.  In fact, on the car ride to see Tara, I went from chuckling over the DJ on the radio calling Nicki Minaj “Sass and frass”, to near bawling ten seconds later when they played Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe'!  Call Me Maybe is making me cry!!!!!!  Granted, all I could picture was my 11 year old daughter and 167 other middle school students who were dancing and singing this song at the Unified Theatre production a week ago - but still.  Where did that come from?  I had to fight back those tears - I could’t go in to see Tara already sniffling - that would make it seem like I had big issues.  And I don’t!  Right?

I did share all of this with Tara.  As always, she led me on path toward discovery...  

What IS the emotion - is it sadness, anger, fear, loss?  I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I think it tends toward VULNERABILITY!  (Funny how that word keeps popping up lately).  I think I feel scared or hurt or sad, for so many things in life.  (Mainly because I FEEL so many things in life.)  I felt awe for those students with special needs who stood up on that stage in front of their peers.  I felt overwhelming joy to see all the other kids who were up there as well, supporting them.  I felt such respect for the parents of those kids with special needs, because that is a hard job.  All parenting is hard.  But knowing that your child may be even more vulnerable than the average kid must be so scary…     I feel fear that my children will suffer from being rejected by friends or classmates.  Or that they will feel insecure or sad or lonely.  However, I worry most of all about loss.  Losing a loved one - or worse in some ways for me - leaving my loved ones if I were to die - leaving them with all that sorrow and loss.  I guess it’s fear of pain and suffering - mostly the emotional kind.  I fear it because I know it.  And its not easy to rectify or overcome.  Even when you have come so far and done so much and are at such a good place.  Even when I have…  So what is that huge well of emotion just under my surface?  Ugh.  Tara doesn’t like when I say “I don’t know,” because she claims I do.  I think I know too, I just haven’t been willing to go there fully.

So that is my homework.  The next time those tears well up from some seemingly insignificant, random moment (probably a Hallmark commercial), I need to allow it come up.  I need to feel where its coming from.  I need to feel it and go there.  Offer it and allow it a release.  So if you see me crying on the sidelines of a lacrosse game or while cheering on kids at the Mitten Run, you’ll know I’m allowing myself to go there!  And that ironically, despite airing my weaknesses, I am getting stronger - by fully immersing myself in my vulnerability, I am opening myself up to connecting on a deeper level with everyone else.  It almost sounds nice!

I find it so interesting (and serendipitous) that Tara echoed so many of the ideas that Brene Brown spoke of in her TED talk.  Vulnerability is the word of the month for me!  

  

I’m writing this hoping you can find your balance too, and that we will all able to make those connections, that come from our vulnerable moments, stronger, better and deeper.  So, here's to exposing yourself ( in a legal way!)