Fear Factor

At home we have a chalk board where I like to write inspirational quotes.  I annoy everyone in my family by making them read the quote and then even worse, talk about it!  This happened to be my most recent, randomly chosen, Pinterest-inspired quote:

It is interesting to me how interconnected life can be.  A long time ago a friend had read (and shared) that all emotions and thus actions originate in one of two places: either from Love or from Fear.  I have used, thought about and learned from this little nugget many times over the years.  Lately however, the fear factor has been rearing its head for me over and over - obviously a signal that it's something I need to work on, right?

Writing for me is a major ball of scary wax.  Every time I sit down to write, as much as I love it, I have to overcome serious bouts of doubt.  When I think about writing articles, I fear I lack good research skills.  When I work on my young adult novel, I fear that my ideas aren’t original enough, or I have too many story threads going or perhaps too few.  When I think about my blog, I fear I don’t have what it takes to write consistently.  Or worse, that I really can’t do it, because I only like to write when I've gotten myself to a better place.  When I have come through the storm on the other side.  I’m really not comfortable writing while I’m in the midst of the messiness.  And so, when I go long stretches of not writing anything here, you can rest assured that I’m in the middle of something sticky and uncomfortable and I’m too afraid to write about it.  Which explains my long absence lately...

I can’t really go into the details of my recent messiness, but I'd like to share a tiny bit with you.  Let’s just say it involves one of my little babies having a very difficult time.  Okay, none of my babies are babies anymore and I’ve been instructed to stop babying them - but I digress.  Said Bebe is having so much inner turmoil and pain.  Which of course causes me such turmoil and pain.  And heartbreak.  Honestly, I have been a wreck.  Mostly because I have allowed myself to get so caught up in the fear - of the worst case scenarios - of the future possibilities - of the what ifs.   I’ve allowed my fears to feed off of Bebe’s fears and pull me every which way.  In response, I’ve been attempting to focus on what is right in front of me instead.  Doing reality checks: Where are you?  What do you see?  What do you smell/hear/feel?  Are you safe?  Is everyone okay this very minute?    This has been helping to ground me.  To root me.  Keep me focused on what I want to create for both myself and for my Bebe.  

SO… the other day, I took my Bebe to the movies and we saw After Earth, which is ALL about overcoming fear.  Literally.  This boy and his father (Jaden and Will Smith) are futuristic rangers who fight these alien creatures called Ursas.   Ursas can not see people, but can smell their fear.  The father has to coach his son through a quest and repeatedly instruct him to “Take a knee.”  “Root yourself.  Where are you?”  He must check in with the here and now, focus on the present moment.  Do what needs to be done at this moment in time.  Fear is all about the mind playing games on you, allowing you to believe something about the future that has not happened yet.  "Fear is a choice."  I could have sworn Will was talking right to me!!

Well, my fears don’t end there, of course.  I have also been putting off applying for a graduate program (MFA) at Vermont College in Writing for Children and Young Adults.  The program sounds amazing, its graduates successful, the coursework rigorous and stimulating.  I feel like it could help me overcome my self doubts (because someone else would have given me an actual degree, proving my worth for real!).  It would obviously improve my skills, elevate my writing, and perhaps open the door for me to go onto something like teaching writing.  I can already envision sitting in my office on a sunny collegiate campus, grading papers.  I’ll only teach a few classes a week, so I will still have plenty of time to do my own writing.  The college will love me because I’ll be well published at this point.  My kids will be old enough to drive over to campus to say hi and take me to lunch.  Ah... Dreamy!  All except for the part where I have to write a critical essay examining a book and its use of a particular writing technique as part of my application.  According to my lovely friend Tara, I am letting my fear of rejection stop me from pursuing my dreams.  I’m letting the fear dictate my reality.  Overcome the fear!  If you don’t get in, you don’t get in.  It’s not the right time for it then.  Something else will be in store for you.   She makes it sounds so easy!

But my final push came today when I read Glennon’s Momastery post.  Particularly this part:

Do you want to know what the main thing is that keeps me from my writing? Do you want me to tell you THE NUMBER ONE OBSTACLE TO MY ART? Is it fear? Is it depression/angst/motherhood/wifedom/the paralysis of exposure? No. It’s not. It’s House Hunters International. And maybe ice cream. 

I had to laugh - I love Glennon!  Okay, so maybe it's time to overcome the fear factor and get on with it.  Stop taking myself so seriously!  Life is messy and it will NEVER be neat enough, calm enough, easy enough.  I will never be smart enough, creative enough, perfect enough. Whether I write once a month or twice a year - I need to just do it!  Take stock in the here and now, and move forward.  Face my fears.  Blaze my trail!   Fill out that application.  Have faith that my Bebe will be just fine.  Take a knee and know I am well...  Full of fear but also full of love.     

Shifting

“Life is change, 

Growth is optional.

Choose wisely.”

My friend Tara told me this yesterday.  I love it!  I love it for many reasons - this is mainly the path I have been on in my “Life”.  What can I learn from this?  How is this experience helping me to be a stronger person, a better person, a more patient person?    Of course I was thinking more along the lines of “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” - but this sounds so much more positive, doesn’t it?

One of the things that I have been working on lately - a personal goal, is learning to let go of whatever the current situation is.  I don’t have to fix it, I don’t have to change it or know the outcome.  I just have to remember that whatever is in front of me will eventually change.  Life is change.  

Forever I have fought with myself over EVERYTHING!  When I’m feeling down, I want to know why, what can I do to feel better, what am I NOT doing, what should I do differently?  When I’m feeling great, I often feel guilty, and that I ought to contain it, lest I look like I’m bragging.  What have I done to deserve this?  Nothing - I don’t!  Around and around I would go.  I never could get a good hold on any situation - like a slippery fish, it was always sliding away from me.

However, something shifted for me.  Somehow (with guidance from my girl Tara), I gave in to this notion that everything changes.  I stopped feeling depressed about feeling down.  I stopped fighting it and willing it away.  I decided to just let it be and KNOW that eventually - soon even - it would shift on its own.  Nothing is permanent - right?

What amazed me during the process, was that instead of putting all this wasted energy into when would I feel better, I just embraced whatever was in front of me.  I lived in the moment.  Dinner with three cranky kids?  Okay.  Having an angry parent blast me for the popsicle choice at a school PTO function?  Okay.  All I want to do is crash on the couch with a movie?  Okay.  I just said okay to whatever came my way.  And none of it was as bad (or guilt ridden) as I normally would have expected it to be.  There were even several funny moments in there.  There was room for laughter when it wasn’t all filled up with fighting.  

Finally, finally, finally I understood what Eckhart Tolle was talking about in "A New Earth", about being “present” and not attaching to your situation!  The more I loosened my grip on my current state of mind, the more it shifted.  Not instantaneously, it didn’t happen in a day.  But before I knew it, I was in this incredibly positive place.  A peaceful place.  Content, grateful, happy!  Thankfully I am still here.  I am riding this wave, knowing eventually it will flow into something else.  But having now experienced the letting go, I feel so much more confident and comfortable with the process. 

 I’m writing this blog today not only because it may help someone else out there who is going through a tough time, but also to remind myself the next time it comes up for me; everything shifts - energy moves and flows.  Allow it to.  Keep those circuits open.  Know it is okay to be ‘here’ - wherever here may be.  Just take it all in - like sights on a train.  Before you know it, you’ll be in a totally new and different place - one stop closer to your ultimate destination.  I wish you all happy travels!

Making Mistakes

Over drinks with another couple last night, our conversation steered toward kids, namely parenting our kids.  It was a great discussion, back and forth on how to handle boyfriends and cell phones and whether they should go to private school.  One of our major points was how our children want for nothing.  They hardly know what it means to struggle, to yearn for something, to work toward something for months, if not years.  Sadly, we are to blame.  We don’t let them struggle.  We do things for them whether they can manage it or not - usually without even knowing their thresh hold.  Half the time we neglect teaching them how to do things like the mowing, the ironing or the cooking, for fear that they are too busy, its too hard or that they’ll screw it up.  We fear them making mistakes, and not doing it the way we like. This is one of those areas where my theoretical Life differs more than I would like from my real life.  I have to credit Glennon Melton from Momastery with making that distinction for me: Life with a capital ‘L’ is the one that holds my beliefs, my ideals, my ideology - what I strive to do, be, accomplish, and life with a little ‘l‘ is what actually transpires in my house, my interactions and my experiences.  

I read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck, Ph.D., in which she describes the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. I wholeheartedly believe in the growth mindset: there is nothing we can’t learn to do, mistakes are challenges we must overcome, and opportunities for growth.  It is where the greatest learning happens.  We should celebrate our mistakes, because they teach us resiliency, problem solving, and resourcefulness.  I firmly believe we all should make mistakes, and learn from them.  In Life that is.

Growing up, I was definitely a product (and believer) of the fixed mindset.  Any mistakes were bad - I avoided them at all costs.  Mistakes meant lack of talent.  I often didn’t attempt new things for fear I’d do it wrong - or even simply that I wouldn’t do it well.  I never tried out for the field hockey team after I moved to a new high school - I might not have been good enough.  I never did ALL my homework, because if I truly worked my hardest and didn’t get straight A’s - what would that say about me?  At least this way, if I didn’t get straight A’s, I knew I could have tried harder if I’d wanted to!  This idea that I have to do everything perfectly or not at all has carried over into my adult life.  Certainly my writing life.  I constantly fight with myself - Who do you think you are to write?  You weren’t a writing major - not even an English major!   It’s exhausting.  And unproductive.  And it is not the Life I want - for any of us. 

In my life life however lofty my intentions are, the reality is often different.  I snap at the kids for their coats and backpacks strewn across the mudroom floor.  I yell about gloves lost at school.  And I full on scream when they push me too far with bad behavior and back talk.   I even get upset about their grades - not yelling upset or grounding them upset, but the “I’m so disappointed in you” upset.  After the fact I find myself on clean-up duty - cleaning up my life response and making it more in line with my Life response: “I’m sorry for screaming at you.” Or, “Lets think about how you can get that grade up.  What do you think should be done here?”  I’m afraid that my bad reaction to their screw ups will instill this idea that mistakes are fatal, that it will instill the same fixed mindset I am trying to overcome!

I once heard that our children and their struggles are mirrors of our own issues and obstacles.  Again, I try to remind myself of that when they do something stupid.  Allowing them mistakes, giving them room to grow and learn, embracing their own imperfection so they can find a better way.  These are for sure my issues too.

So, I pledge to try really hard to let them make mistakes.  Let them screw up and know they will still be loved, life will go on, we will work together to find solutions and ways to fix whatever was broken.  There is always some sort of consequence for our actions, some will be bigger than others, some better, some worse.  But if things don’t turn out perfectly the first time, or ever, that’s okay too.  The journey is just as important.  We can’t live today without having lived yesterday.  I constantly remind myself that I WANT them to screw up now, while the stakes are lesser versus later into teen-hood or adulthood when the consequences could be far worse. Imagine texting inappropriate language now versus inappropriate photos later, for example.  Or having a beer here at home compared to having your stomach pumped at college because you have never been permitted to go near alcohol.  Or even worse, getting in the car with a drunk driver because you feel you could never admit to your parents where you were and what you were doing! 

This brings to mind the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The fourth agreement is to “Do Your Best”, and know everyone else is doing their best as well.  Our best changes on a daily basis - what we can do one day may be better or worse than the day before.  If we could do better, surely we would.  And so would our kids.  I will try to take each day, each encounter on a moment by moment, mistake by mistake basis.  I continue to try to bring my life in line with my Life.  It’s a daily struggle.  And yes - I fall short many days.  But mistakes are okay.  Right?