Clarification

Okay, my Ode to Autumn was obviously NOT referring to this weather, which, despite my love of fall and easy to please nature, depresses me! 

Ode to Autumn

Looking for blog ideas, my friend Luke Giroux suggested this:

“Maybe some of the joys, excitement, and anticipation of going back to school? Or changing of the seasons; life marches on.  I've always felt that the seasons, here in New England, force us to move on with life. No matter how much we lament the end of a hot summer, or how much we want to capture the essence of our kids or our lives at any given moment in time, mother nature will always inform us that there's a much higher power at work here, marshaling us through time and space.”

Fall being one of my favorite seasons (I have a few!), I thought this was a wonderful suggestion.  I still get a flutter of excitement in my stomach with that first breath of crisp air.  I LOVE buying new notebooks and pencils and backpacks.  Not just because it means my kids will be back at school - offering me much needed peace and quiet, but because it excites me!  My mother used to cover my textbooks in this thick, clear, rubbery plastic, and it had such a distinct smell.  A back to school smell.  Just like new pencil cases with those plastic sliders.  I loved brand new workbooks, never before opened - where I got to ‘break the spine’.  (Does it surprise you that I became a teacher?)  

Fall brought all new possibilities: new friends to be made, new adventures to be had, new experiences as someone one ‘year’ older.  A new locker, a new class schedule, new teachers.  And of course there were back to school clothes and brand new school shoes!  Aunt Genevieve would take me to Dayton’s Oval Room and buy me designer clothes off the sale rack (back when I wore a size 2).

  I love the cooler temperature, the crisp air, the earthy smell of wet leaves.  I used to seek out the brown, brittle leaves trying to find ones that made the loudest crunch (I still do!).  The sky looks bluer to me on a gorgeous October day.  It’s the beginning of apple picking, mulled cider and butternut squash soup.  Fires in the fireplace and cozy sweaters.  Football and tailgating (Yes, believe it or not, there was a time where I did this.  Regularly!).  Indian summer - that last little tease of warm weather; I can still hear my grandmother explaining it to me.  Raking leaves and diving in piles (not so fun for me anymore but my seven year old still loves it).  Halloween!  I remember trick or treating with my friend Lee in Brooklyn Heights, under the street lamps, kicking leaves as we walked, thinking ‘It doesn’t get any better than this!’  I still think that every year, as I walk my kids around our West Hartford neighborhood.  As corny as this makes me sound, every time I see one of those huge maple trees with golden-orangey yellow leaves, so brilliant it looks like its lit from within, I smile.  It brings me joy.  True, simple joy.

However, as Luke said, it’s also about Mother Nature herself.  There is an ushering-in of what’s next.  Time marches on, which sometimes is a relief.  Life and its cycles keep moving forward, and we follow suit.  As Eckhart Tolle discusses in “A New Earth”, there is a natural expansion and contraction to life, a rhythm.  Autumn to me, is like the grand finale of the fireworks shows.  The trees give this amazing display of color - the last hurrah before they wind down for winter.  The final breath of expansion before contracting.  Not only do I like the guidance that nature provides with this cycle, but I’m okay with contracting for part of the year.  (Maybe I’m part bear?)

I’m not always the eternal optimist, but I guess with seasons I am.  There is always something to look forward to, a change just around the corner.  The anticipation of that change is enough to keep me going!  By the time fall winds down, and the air is permanently chilly, then its time to watch for the quiet magic of that first snow fall.  For now though, I am going out to enjoy this gorgeous fall day!  

 

Good Grief

The older I get, the more I see that everyone has their own sad story.  Whether it be the death of a loved one, divorce, abuse, alcoholism, neglect, trauma…  Somewhere along the line, we have all experienced some form of grief.  For me it goes like this:  My father died of cancer when I was seven (he was 39).  And then my brother was killed in a car accident when he was 19 and I was 15.  I kind of think I’ve had my fair share of grief, and have therefore formed a few thoughts on the topic.  

Grief is like a big, thick, ugly scar.  It may be hidden from view due to the clothes you wear, but it’s still there.  You may have done lots of work on it - to reduce it’s size and severity, and that work may have improved it greatly, but it’s still there.  You may be so used to seeing it on your body that you hardly even notice it any more.  Until you do, and see that it’s still there.  You may have seen lots of other people’s scars, and felt a little better that you were not the only one carrying around this ugly mark.  But at the end of the day - it’s still there.

For the longest time I had been under the impression that grief was a totally private matter.  Not something I wanted to air out.  Not something I wanted to look at very often.  In fact, most of the time, it felt terrible to talk about it; it made other people uncomfortable and awkward, or it made one of us cry.  While it may have temporarily helped me to release a little of this emotion - in the end it went right back to its normal hiding place.  It was still there.

Lately, my feelings about my grief have been changing.  I think I am finally starting to accept it.  To say it’s okay to have this scar.  To air it out.  To allow it to move and change and breath.  It’s not that I want to dwell on past feelings.  In so many ways I have really worked on healing and moving through them.  I am discovering that this grief will be with me always.  I am consistently noticing with every new phase of my life, my grief does a little readjustment.  As if it needs to reconfigure itself to this new space.  Slowly I am getting used to the idea that it keeps popping up. Even when I think  I’m done with it, I’m not.  I never will be.

Just this year, I learned the best way to fight the build up of scar tissue is to really massage and manipulate that scar.  To touch it, handle it, deal with it.  And I don’t mean to gently and lovingly caress it - I mean to really apply pressure and break up that tissue underneath, before it solidifies into something permanent.  Isn’t that so appropriately metaphorical?

I recently went to a very sad and painful funeral. I felt like my scars were ripped wide open.  Again.  But I’m okay.  I’m still here - as is my scar.  

I just heard from a long lost friend of my brother’s - 27 years later.  She told me she named her son after my brother, because he was such a good friend to her.  I am definitely revisiting the grief.  But it’s okay.  This is part of the process.  

Every holiday when I am wishing that my dad were here, or my brother and his wife and kids (who he never had the chance to have) - I sit with my grief again.  Sometimes it’s easier to do than other times.  

My point is - it’s there.  So let’s  stop hiding it.  Let’s welcome it back, even if it’s not our own.  

Some people don’t like to cry.  I can understand that.  Sometimes when I cry - I have a hard time stopping.  Not that I am unhappy - on the contrary; I feel extremely happy, fortunate  and blessed.  I am thankful of my family, of my life, of my friends and loved ones.  Life is very good.  But as a friend of mine said, “Life is messy.  Messiness happens.”  I think it would help if we all allowed the messiness to have it’s place at the table, instead of hiding it in the back room.  Let’s welcome it.  Honor it, even.  It takes so much to survive grief.  We should be celebrating the fact that we have lived through it.  Rather than stuffing it away in a closet, let’s say, “Ah, there you are.  Come on, let’s eat!”  

It reminds me of the line from a Simon and Garfunkel song, “Hello darkness, my old friend.  I’ve come to talk with you again.”  Except that I don’t want to think of grief as dark anymore.  I want to think of it as light.  I want to think of grief as good.  

MENTORS

I used to view the word mentor with considerable weight.  For years I shied away from becoming a mentor because I felt it was a huge time commitment, as well as an hefty role to play.  My children are still young, my time is already stretched.  Besides, I wasn’t sure I had what it took to be a mentor.  I mean, a mentor should be someone who guides, assists - ushers a young mind into a new field, career or life path.    

Recently one of my friends said to me, “Thank you for being my mentor.”  My jaw dropped.  She must be joking!  I mean, I can talk your ear off on most days.  I’m very good at lecturing (ask anyone in my family!).  I certainly have opinions (again - ask anyone who knows me).  But mentor?

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how wrong I had been.  Mentoring has no time requirement attached.  It does not even have to be related to careers or life paths.  When I looked it up in Merriam-Webster, I found:

Noun: “a trusted counselor or guide; tutor, coach”

Verb: “to teach or give advice or guidance to”

So I started to view it in a whole new light.  I considered all the people I turn to when I have a question.  There are the friends I call when I need to discuss parenting, or those whom I call regarding writing.  There is of course, my mom, who I call with almost any question.  A mentor can be anyone who offers kernels of wisdom, guidance, advice, help; no matter how large or small.  Trust is an important component.  Mentors allow you to expose your weaker side, your vulnerability, and they believe in your ability to grow.  If you are open to learning new things, you can find mentors all around you.  Like an extensive support staff, except of course they are not your staff - just your support.  What a wonderful way to look at the world - as full of mentors.  

I could create a mentor directory (for myself of course, sorry - you’ll have to do your own!)  Next time I’m feeling kind of lost, I‘ll simply call one of my mentors!  I considered printing my mentor list for you, but that would be an awfully long blog post!  Instead,  here are my mentor categories:

Marriage, Parenting, Home, Intuition, Friendship, Fun, Fitness, Consideration and Caring, Survival, Relationships, Gift Giving, Creativity (and the Creative Process), Writing, Children’s Literature, Teaching, General Bitching and Moaning (mine, not theirs!), Decorating, Healing, Nutritional Health, Spiritual Path, Inspiration...

There are more for sure, but you get the picture.  I really like this quote by Bob Proctor, an author and speaker:  

"A mentor is someone who sees more talent and ability within you, than you see in yourself, and helps bring it out of you."

Think about who you call when you have a question.  Who are your mentors?   Who do you trust with your vulnerability?  And who trusts you to learn from the process?  Call them!

Stuck...

I  have been really stuck this summer with what to write about.  I’d like this blog to be about celebrating life’s little moments, but sometimes that is hard to do.  Our summer started with a tragedy; a 10 year old classmate of my daughter drown in a tubing accident.  It shook every person in our town to his/her core.  He was a beautiful little boy, so full of life and love.  His family has been handling his death with such amazing grace and fortitude.  It is heartbreaking to think about, to see, to imagine.  It is every parent's worst nightmare, and it fills me with such sadness.  So how can I write about celebrating life, when I know there are so many people out there struggling to just make it through the day? 

I came across this email (one of the sappy ones that I saved), titled “45 Life Lessons” by Regina Brett.  I’m copying it below because it helps me bridge that place of sadness to a place of hope.  Some of her life lessons are practical, some are spiritual and some are philosophical.  Overall, they just seem true.  I hope you find at least a couple that strike a cord of truth for you.  And please forgive me for the cut and paste...

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.  It is the most requested column I've ever written.  My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1.   Life isn't fair but it's still good.

2.   When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3.   Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4.   Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5.   Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.   You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7.   Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8.   It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9.   Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Cheesy Emails I Love

We’ve all gotten those cheesy forwarded emails from our dear Aunt Suzie or that random high school friend.  You know the ones -  that contain sappy messages about parenthood or God or love or husbands.  We roll our eyes, and read it lest we are quizzed on it later (“Did you get that wonderful email I forwarded to you about the cute baby animals and motherhood?”)  And then we delete it - despite the risk of bad luck falling upon us.  

Its not that I disagree with the idea of savoring each moment or laughing at the picture of the overweight woman with the cigarette hanging out of her mouth clutching her toddler by his feet - upside down.  Its just that, haven’t we seen enough of them already?  Aren’t you dying to tell dear Aunt Suzie, who has too much time on her hands, to please stop sending you this junk?  Or maybe the threats of bad luck if you don’t forward it, bother you so much that you refuse to play a part in it?  

On the whole I am proud to say that I almost never forward those emails.  I can’t say never-never because I’m ashamed to admit that I too have fallen prey to the promises of overwhelming love (and money) which will come my in the next four days if I simply send it to eight people I love.  “Oh why not?” I hear myself saying!  

But wait, there's more: I must confess that once or twice a year, there is that cheesy forwarded email with a quote or a list of life lessons that I just love.  I can’t help it, but I love it.  And then I become like annoying Aunt Suzie and I send it to AT LEAST eight people.  All the people who I think may like the quote or list as much me.  Or to all those whom I think need to hear that quote or read that list!  Although they haven’t seemed to figure life out on their own, this list may be the thing that saves them!  Despite how cheesy these emails are - sometimes they do strike a chord of truth or meaning.

This morning, I stumbled across this one (yes, I actually saved it on my computer!) and thought ‘Ah, this is exactly what I need to read today - exactly what I need to remember today.’  Truthfully, I need to remember it everyday, but it just so happens to be today.  So here's to those cheesy emails we love (you love them too - don't you???) and to the corny people who send them to us!

"Today may there be peace within. 

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. 

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. 

May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. 

May you be content with yourself just the way you are. 

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  It is there for each and every one of us."

PS - I do not know who this quote is attributed to.  If you do, please let me know!

Doling out "Gold Stars"

I subscribe to the Teaching Authors blog, which as a children's writer, I love.  They always have interesting insights and great writing exercises.  Today's post was titled "Gold Stars" by Jeanne Marie Grunwell Ford.  
 Teaching Authors--6 Children's Authors Who Also Teach Writing: Gold Stars 


Gold Stars focuses on summer reading programs for children, and specifically about whether we should reward children for reading when we are attempting to get them to love reading for its own sake.  On the other hand, Jeanne Marie points out - who doesn't love to get recognized for their hard work?  Adults work for the reward of their pay checks!  


My feelings are this: why not offer rewards?  We all like a pat on the back.  Kids especially love to know with physical, tangible proof that they are doing a good job.  What's the worst case scenario?  That they only read in order to receive a reward - and there after don't?  Well,  these kids most likely would never read a thing if they didn't have to - so now, at least they've been exposed to the world of literature.  Maybe, just maybe they will learn to like it.  If not, nothing lost - they still spent the summer reading.  


More importantly, life is short!  Let's look for reasons to celebrate, to have fun, to give out special treats.  Kids are only kids for a short time.  Dole out those stickers, those ice cream cones, those award certificates!  If there is an opportunity to make children feel special - take it!  While it may not be the most significant award of their little lives, it still may bring  smiles to their faces.  And what could be more important than that?


Don't get me wrong.  I'm not the sort of parent who rewards her kids for making their bed or setting the table.  My kids do LOTS of chores, with no reward.  They are part of our family and they need to contribute.  Period.  But summer reading falls into a different category.  Along with a beautiful report card.  There are so many expectations on our children.  When they go that extra mile, work really hard for a duration of time, do more than is expected of them, I say "Let's celebrate!"  I don't hand out money for every A, but I do say "You get to pick the restaurant, we're going out for a special meal because you did such a great job!" 


It makes me think of the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  Rubin devotes a year to finding little ways to become happier.  One of her conclusions is that making other people happy, makes one happier.  Some of her goals are to smile more, to be generous, "to be a treasure house of happy memories" (I love that one!).  My fondness for this book stems from these completely simple, every day strategies, which lead to becoming more mindful of one's own happiness.


So if handing out gold stars for every book a child reads makes that child feel good - if it makes her smile, if it adds to her happiness for even just a moment - then we've done our job!  In the end, it will make all of us happier!     

WRITING WEEKEND

This past weekend I was lucky enough to spend three days at Kripalu.  For those of you who don’t know - Kripalu is a yoga retreat center in the Berkshire Mountains.  It is a beautiful facility with the coolest stuff happening.  There are a million forms of yoga training you can attend, you can take workshops in Ayurvedic healing or sacred chanting or meditation.  I could not even begin to describe the course offerings (or the amazing array of delicious organic foods).  So I will simply talk about my course: Writing Down the Bones with Natalie Goldberg and Sean Murphy.  

It was valuable but draining, truly.  Natalie and Sean led us through an array of meditations and writing exercises to help us learn how to “free the writer within”.  By giving us different writing prompts she encouraged us to dig deep and go to the difficult places within.  To get to the point where our minds stop thinking - stops the normal discourse and gets to what she calls “Wild Mind”.  She was most interested in letting the mind wander - to follow its own path.  To conjure up the little moments, in all their rich detail - where the energy lies.  The topics that were least appealing were usually the ones where the most pain resided.  It takes a lot of energy to go to those places.  Here are a few: Tell your story of love.  Tell your story of loneliness.  How did you get here this weekend?  

Some of them were more fun: Describe what is in front of your face (physical or mental).    Tell everything you know about jello.  What is your relationship with music.  My favorite was: Tell something you will never do again (or a place you will never be again).  So here is my response (although I could write about this one forever!) 

I will never again see the paper thin skin on the back of my grandmother’s hands, covered in age spots and blue veins.  I will never look upon her yellowed fingernails as she lights her Newport Menthol cigarette.  I will never again hear her say that she’d vote for Mickey Mouse before she ever voted for a republican.  I will never again taste her apricot bars or her snowball cookies (my favorite) or her peanut butter blossoms - or any of the other dozens of cookies she would make at Christmas.  I will never hear her say “Fight nice!” to my brother and me.  Or hear her say words like “Yens” or “Doo-hickey”.  I will never again see her take off her thick glasses and rub her eyes at the end of the day.  Or see her bright blues eyes twinkle as she laughs.  I will never again ride the Greyhound bus with my brother for fourteen hours, past Three Mile Island in the hot, sticky summer just to go visit her.  I will never see my grandmother again.

For most of these we were given 10-15 minutes to write about them.  It actually helps knowing there is an ending point.  You don’t have to go on and on forever (unless of course you want to!)  Maybe you would consider writing your own - whether you are a writer or not!  It can be serious or funny, sad or silly.  It actually feels good to remember the little details, the ones you haven’t thought about in forever - the ones you forgot you even knew.  So go ahead - give it a try!  You’ll like it!  Ask Mikey!

OLD FRIENDS

I had the chance to chat with an old friend today.  This friend and I go back almost 30 years - eek -hard to believe!  He is one of those friends that I only speak to once a year - maybe two years, but none the less it feels like yesterday.  We spent our time catching up on all that is new in our lives and where we are - where we’re going.    

I realize that those types of friends, the ones you’ve had forever - even though you are not going out for drinks or making lots of new memories together - they serve such an important role.  We discussed the fact that we are forever bonded over those memories, those pivotal moments, those formative years.  I think it’s necessary to have those friends in your life to help you remember who you once were.  To remember those parts of your life that were so long ago - another life time, really.  Similar to how my brother was there to confirm that time that my mom did in fact back hand me across the dining room table for being snotty or to recollect how she used to take us to Charlie’s restaurant for our birthdays and we ordered chocolate eclairs for dessert.  So too, old friends fill in those gaps for non family times.  Like the day we watched a gigantic oak tree fall in total silence in Steep Rock, or getting into Checkers bar under age and drinking pitchers of beer only to puke it all up on the walk home!  Ah - youth!  

Being a 40 something adult - mother with kids - responsible ALL the time, its hard to remember who I once was - good and bad.  While I’d like to think I was generally the same person, I know a lot of growing up has happened since then.  There were dumb things done, awful things said, as well as wonderful moments experienced.  Thankfully  old friends were part of it.  Friends who help bring me back to those times - in a good way.  Friends who help to reinforce the person I’ve  become today - thanks to those times shared way back when…

So readers - who are those old friends for you?  Have you talked to them recently?

Wonderful Words

Words are funny things.  They can range from beautiful and lyrical to ugly and crass - evoking every emotion imaginable.  

I definitely have a few favorites.  Bizarre is one.  I love the unusual-ness of it.  Zest is another.  

Okay fine, here is my whole list of favorites:

Whimsical

Whisper

Dream

Linger

Frilly

Flurry

Sassy

Swirl

Divine

Believe

Luscious

Truffle

Potion

Papaya

Raindrop

Seahorse

Dragonfly

Moondance

Bougainvillea   I love to say that word - Bougainvillea!

What’s on your list?  

RULES

Rules.  Don’t you get irritated at the mere word ‘rules’?  It just gives off a bad vibe.  I’m not sure why though; rules in general are a good thing.

There are the rules (aka - laws) that are meant to protect us, that speak to our morality.  No killing, no stealing, no damaging other people’s property.  ‘Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife.’  And so on.  These are all obvious no-no’s (to most of us anyway!)  These can’t be broken, shouldn’t be broken.  Hopefully you’ll be caught if you did break them!

Next come the second tier rules.  I call these the Common Curtesy Set; such as the “Golden Rule”: Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Say please and thank you, hold the door, give up your seat to the elderly, tell the truth, look people in the eye, help those in need, be generous, be considerate.  Sadly these can be, and often are broken.  They can not be enforced, nor are they taught nearly well enough.  In my opinion, if we all could live by these rules, no others would even be necessary.  Just think, if we applied common curtesy to driving - there would be no road rage because people would kindly move out of the left lane and let others pass them (this seems to be enormously difficult for the American population!)  Speed limits would hardly be necessary because your concern for your others would stop you from driving 60 miles per hour down residential streets and past schools.  Ah, if only…

Then we come to all the “other” rules: the ones that fall into a grey area, the ones that tempt you - if not beg you, to break them.  The rules that were put in place by someone who was a little too rule happy.  These are the rules that bring out your normally well-hidden, rebellious nature.  For example, highway speed limits (not at all the same as the in-town speed limits referred to above!), no chewing gum in school, no running in the hallways, no walking on the grass.  Jay-walking.  Most rules of the english grammar language!!!!  Many of these are related to particular places and establishments.  Like  no throwing snowballs into the snow covered field during recess at my children’s elementary school.  Or no walking your first grade child to his classroom after the first week of school.  It just makes you want to break them out of sheer principle! 

Breaking the rules is not always a bad thing.  Just think, where would rock music be today if the Beatles and Elvis didn’t break the rules?  Where would art be without the impressionists who broke all art conventions of the time - Monet, Renoir, Degas and so on.  Then there are the political rule breakers who helped to change history: Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela.  If it weren’t for people who were willing to say, “These rules are not fair,” we would live in a very different world.  Breaking the rules becomes necessary at times.

In the end it all comes down to this very simple rule your mother taught you years ago: just be nice!  Be a good, kind person - the type who is concerned for the safety and well being of others.  Then maybe society wouldn’t require so many rules.  And we wouldn’t feel the need to break them all the time!

BALANCE Part II: YOUR SPIRIT

Over dinner with a friend, we hit upon the subject of personal balance, aka spiritual alignment.  I’m not speaking of religious spirituality, but of nurturing your own soul.  My friend, spoke of feeling impatient with her kids, not motivated, tired, uninspired by work - she felt the cause of all this was “getting old”.  When I asked her what she had done for herself lately, she replied, “...Cook dinner?”  I promptly reprimanded that cooking dinner was NOT something you do for yourself!  That is a requirement, an obligation - for some of us even a drudgery!  The end result was that she could not name one thing. 

Over the last several years I have come to learn how important it is to find time for myself.  No one else will make the time for me - hand me an hour or two on a silver platter and say, “Here - enjoy!”  I must carve it out of my own schedule.  

In order to carve time - I needed to figure out two things.  First I had to learn the signs that my reserves were running low - and I was in need of recharging.  Second, I had to figure out what types of things recharge me.  That may sound simple, but it was and continues to be an evolutionary process.  Checking in with myself, and how I am feeling  has become a daily task.  Whenever I find myself feeling irritable or depleted I run through a mental checklist: Have I worked out?  Have I been writing?  Do I need some solitude?

I saved an article from Traditional Home magazine, from September 2009 titled, “20 Ways Barbara [Barry] Nurtures Her Spirit.”  Barbara Barry’s list struck a cord with me - there are so many items on there that nurture my spirit as well.  Now I make a point to notice these things and include them as often as possible in my day, my week, my month.  Preventative medicine!  

Here are a few of my favorites from Barbara’s list:

“LIGHT   It is everything!  It illuminates a space and lifts my spirit.”

“SOLITUDE  It’s probably the most vital thing that restores my spirit.  I don’t watch television or listen to much music.  I like silence… in fact,  I require it.

“NEW BEGINNINGS  The minute I get a new project I feel that sense of excitement and play.  It’s my favorite moment in the project because it’s filled with potential.”

“HOME  My home is my haven, and it’s a testament to my work - fresh and clean and calm.”

Okay - so my home is not always clean or calm, but  it is my haven.  It brings me peace.  And as much as I love music - I love silence more.

Here are some of my own:

CREATING - Whether its writing, journaling, painting, designing or coloring with the kids.  It excites me, connects me - completes me.  I get cranky when I haven’t done it!

MUSIC - I love listening to music - the lyrics often have meaning to me - and it gets my creative juices flowing.

WALKS/WORKING OUT - This ties into solitude and music for me - I love having the time to myself and my thoughts.  (Which is probably why I don't like gyms)  It gets the energy moving; helps rid old/negative energy.

FRESH FLOWERS - Their color, their smell, their beauty.  Flowers make me happy.  And why wait for someone to send flowers when I can buy a bunch of sunny tulips from Stop and Shop for less than $10?

MOVIES/BOOKS - I love to be swept away - carried into a story.  Escape.  I am especially sappy for romances!  Movies appeal to my visual side, but books have the benefit of lasting longer.

EATING WELL - This is not a very exciting one, but I definitely feel good inside and out when I have had a healthy meal.

MASSAGE/ BODY TREATMENTS - I love the physical contact, the soothing environment, the lighting, the aromatherapy.  It appeals to all my senses and more importantly works out my knots and kinks before they turn into bigger issues.  I feel cared for.

CLEANLINESS - I get almost giddy when my house is clean and tidy.  The same goes for my body.  The laundry.  My kids.  The yard.  I like when things are squeaky clean and smelling fresh!  ( To the best of my knowledge I do not have OCD!)

There are so many ways to take care of YOU- yoga, running, afternoon tea, vision boards.  How do you stay balanced and nourish your spirit?  What brings you peace?  Joy?  Relieves your stress?  How do you manage to keep on top of it before life gets out of hand.  

I am reminded of the L’Oreal slogan - “Because I’m worth it!”  I think that is a mantra we all should adopt.  Whenever you wonder if you should splurge on that massage or take the time to go to Yoga, just say, “Yes!” and repeat, “Because I’m worth it!”  You are!

Link to Barbara Barry Article:

http://www.traditionalhome.com/design_decorating/bodyandsoul/barbara-barry_ss8.html

BALANCE

Balance is one of the most precarious concepts to achieve.  Whether you are talking about the physical - anyone who owns a VewDoo balance board knows what I mean, or the state of mind.   To live a balanced life - this is on everyone’s to-do list, isn’t it?  But what does that actually entail? 

There is the work time-home time balance.  You need enough work to feel productive, but not so much that it stresses you out or keeps from witnessing your children grow.  You need enough time to enjoy your family - but not so much that you all go stir crazy and can’t stand another minute with each other. (Can you say Snow Day?)

There is the family time - me time balance.  Again, you need to be a part of the greater whole, in order to really know, love and support one another.  But there needs to be a little bit of ‘me-time’ in there lest you become a cranky, nasty, grump!  You’ve got to plan those weekend get aways without the kids, even without your spouse.  It's a necessary component to balance!

The junk food versus healthy food balance.  The ‘going out to eat’ versus ‘cooking at home’ balance.  The ‘giving in to your kid’s whining’ versus ‘saying no-standing firm’ balance.  You need to balance how much you socialize, how much TV to watch, how many alcoholic beverages you consume.  And of course, how much to listen to your own nagging voices telling you to balance better! 

If it weren’t hard enough to balance our own lives we need to help our children find balance as well.  Many of our children are fortunate enough to play sports or be involved in the arts.  However, down time is a necessity in their little lives or they will burn out!  Jeff D. Opdyke wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal, about himself and his son.  The son had played travel soccer, made the elite teams, done all the right camps and was well on his way to a touted soccer career.  Until he turned 14 and announced he never wanted to play soccer again.  Ever.  This is becoming the norm.  

We are pushing our kids so hard in the direction we think they should be going,  that they reach a point of breaking.  Why do we feel the need to have our children do everything?  My own kids do piano, choir, band, soccer and skiing - every week.  And I am opposed to over scheduling!  But I also know the pressure of not wanting my kids miss out on things.  

In our society it’s all or nothing.  Travel soccer is either all year round or not at all.  Hockey, gymnastics, swimming - all are massive time commitments of 4-5 days a week  or more - or you can’t participate.  Where is the balance in that?  Why can’t we as adults recognize this?  Why can’t we allow them to play a sport casually rather than intensely?  Why must we treat it as a career choice at the age of 9?

In the end, balance is about learning how to say no.  Learning to say to ourselves, “It’s okay to miss out on this”, or even better to say, “It’s more important to miss out on this than put myself out of balance.”   Sometimes our children say no and we ignore them - telling them they are part of the team and must go.  Other times they insist they want to go (but are clearly past the point of over-tired), and we must show them that it’s okay to say no, to miss a game or a practice - or even to not participate in a sport!  I’m often amazed at how many of us don’t listen to our kids who say “I don’t want to do that!”  But if we don’t stop to listen then who will? 

So dear readers, do you find balance in your own lives? If so, how to do achieve it?  How do you help your children lead a balanced life?  How can we, as a society get to a more balanced point?      

Those Little Life Lessons

My husband and I were having a conversation about daily thoughts and little life lessons.  He asked if I had any that occurred on a daily basis.  For Dave it was closing the cereal bag inside the cereal box.  He could remember being at his best friend’s house, his second home, and closing the box top to put the cereal away.  His friend’s dad stopped him - showed him how to crumple and roll the bag inside first to keep the cereal fresh.  For years, every time Dave put away the box of cereal, he would think of that moment with his best friend’s dad.  

He shared another story about shaving.  Each day when he stood in front of the mirror to shave Dave would recall his high school history teacher, who had a full beard, explaining to the class how he did indeed shave (his neck) every single day.

For me - every time I brush my teeth I picture a babysitter I had when I was nine.  I can still see her sitting on the edge of our claw foot tub, showing me how to make tiny circles with the tooth brush.  There is rarely a day that goes by with out recalling that little life lesson.  Along the same lines - every time I my tooth paste tube starts running low, I picture my dad showing me how to fold and roll it from the end forward.  

Sometimes, it might not be a lesson - just a thought.  For a friend it was his brother’s military ID number that popped into his head every single day. 

These are such insignificant moments - but at the same time they have life long effects!  Who could predict their relevance?

So I ask you - what are yours?  What little lessons did you learn randomly that stick with you even today?  What strange and seemly unrelated thoughts do you have on a daily basis?  Please share!

Hellish Hives and a Heavenly Husband

This past week has been one of my worst weeks ever.  After a minor illness and a massive allergic reaction to an antibiotic I was given, I am trying to find something - anything! positive to think about. 

I had hives everywhere, and I do mean EVERYWHERE on my body.  I should clarify - I don’t mean the occasional red bump here and there.  I mean the kind of swollen, masses of red that that cover your entire body - with little to no white spots in sight!  They itched so badly that I found myself jumping up suddenly and pacing like a caged animal because I felt like there were bolts of electricity coursing through my veins (or five cans of Red Bull).  I had been running outside and grabbing chunks of frozen snow to rub all over my skin.  If it were only the soft powder - and my neighbors not so close - I’d have done naked snow angels out there too!  The nights had been sleepless, due to the fact that I had so many itches at once, I couldn’t possibly NOT scratch some of them.  Then of course there was the fact that my skin was so red it was purple, and gave off as much heat as a nuclear reactor!  Anyone who gets hives, and I am so sorry if you are one of those people, knows how absolutely insane it makes you.

Thankfully the steroids kicked in, the trip to the ER was not necessary, and I am slowly regaining my sanity.  I am also realizing how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband.  Needless to say, this week had brought a few breakdowns - several puddles of tears that my husband was nice enough to mop up!  He was such a source of strength, patience, and kindness, it actually humbles me.  He managed the kids, the meals, the laundry, the medicines and doctor visits, the snow days and snow blowing, his job and my mess - all with such calmness and fortitude.  He was and is my savior - my guardian angel in the flesh.  So I would simply like to express my thanks to him - David!

Here’s to the angels in your lives - the ones who know just how to help at just the right moments! 

Elsewhere

I’ve discovered that I have a fascination with books that deal with death.  Don’t ask me why - because I cry at the drop of a hat (or any Hallmark commercial).  So of course, I generally cry my way through these books.  But I love them none-the-less.  Maybe I find them cathartic; its easier to go through someone else’s painful story.  Or maybe I love hearing different concepts of the afterlife.  Whatever the reasons, I know there are a few of you out there who know what I’m talking about - so here are a couple of my favorite books on the subject:

Adult:

The Mercy of Thin Air by  Ronlyn Domingue  

This is probably my ALL TIME favorite book, ever!  Its about a woman who dies at the age of 20 - just as her life is starting.  But she doesn’t want to be dead.   So she spends the next few decades as a ghost - stuck in between worlds - until she can make her peace with this life.  I won’t write more than that - you need to read it. 

 

Young Adult:

Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin

This book wins the most original Afterlife Concept award.  Its about a girl who dies at the age of 15 - again, she doesn’t want to be dead.  In fact,  she doesn’t realize she is dead until her trip to Elsewhere on the SS Nile cruise liner  has come to an end.  She must then embark on the next phase of her life, with all new (also dead) people, in Elsewhere.  Here she must age backwards until she can born again into a new life.  It is just so intriguing of an idea!  What a great classroom discussion that would lead to!

I know, I know!  You are probably asking where is the Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold on my list?  I have to say that I didn’t read it (or see the movie).  That one is a little too tough for me - a brutal rape and death - of a child!  And then watching her whole family deal with it?  I’m not sure I can handle that.  But maybe you’ll convince me - those of you who have read it!

Anyway - I hope you check out these books.  Or let me know your thoughts if you already have!

More serious matters

serendipity |ˌserənˈdipitē|

Onto more serious matters - why I like the word serendipity so much:  First of all the sound of it.  It is one of those perfectly melodious words that just simply sounds lovely (like melodious!)  Each syllable rising and falling like a roller coaster ride.

Secondly the meaning.  It seems hard to beat way the word sounds - but I have to say the meaning of the word takes the cake!  

According to Merriam-Webster it means: 

the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for.  

Or the New Oxford American Dictionary’s version: 

the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

  Kind of like the way my mother, who decided to move our family out of Brooklyn, into the countryside of Connecticut, found our house.  She happened to drive from Bethel northward.  Having no real destination, she decided to explore the area.  She drove through New Milford and Washington, following the map - taking one random road after another, hoping to weave her way back.  She found herself in Roxbury (which is hard to get to by accident!) and happened to pass a beautiful 100 year old farm house.  My mother stopped to admire it - or rather to fall in love with it!  It was only after she decided to continue her journey that she saw the For Sale sign!  There it was - serendipity!  She bought it, we moved, and that is where so much of our family history happened.

My long winded point is that I hope this blog page will be a little like my mother’s exploratory drive.  Finding things as we go; new ideas, new lessons, new sights, new connections.  I hope I can share some thoughts that ring true for you - and that in turn you will open new doors and bring me into new worlds that I had not expected to find: finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for.  

So, may we ‘Serendipity’ together!

Sweet Serendipity

So for weeks, I have been searching for a name for my blog page - wanting it to be something with meaning, significance.  Something with relevance to my life as a children’s writer and newly started blogger.  But something sort of fun and whimsical.  

Serendipity is my all time favorite word so I’ve been trying to find a way to use that in the name.  I’ve been asking friends for ideas (and getting lots of great ones).  But, to quote the beloved Bono, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”.  

And then what to my wondering ears do I hear?  There on XM Radio - last season’s American Idol winner with the words I’ve been searching for: Lee DeWyze is singing my song - Sweet Serendipity.  

Now I don’t mean this offensively - but, how is it that these practically teeny-bopper, idol-ish,  pop stars can peg my 41 year old trials (Miley Cyrus with The Climb), my tribulations  (Everlast with What Its Like) and now - my sweetly serendipitous life by Lee DeWyze?  

Maybe I just need to acknowledge that good things can come from the most random of places - and be happy with that!

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/sweet-serendipity-single/id398741873