At home we have a chalk board where I like to write inspirational quotes. I annoy everyone in my family by making them read the quote and then even worse, talk about it! This happened to be my most recent, randomly chosen, Pinterest-inspired quote:
It is interesting to me how interconnected life can be. A long time ago a friend had read (and shared) that all emotions and thus actions originate in one of two places: either from Love or from Fear. I have used, thought about and learned from this little nugget many times over the years. Lately however, the fear factor has been rearing its head for me over and over - obviously a signal that it's something I need to work on, right?
Writing for me is a major ball of scary wax. Every time I sit down to write, as much as I love it, I have to overcome serious bouts of doubt. When I think about writing articles, I fear I lack good research skills. When I work on my young adult novel, I fear that my ideas aren’t original enough, or I have too many story threads going or perhaps too few. When I think about my blog, I fear I don’t have what it takes to write consistently. Or worse, that I really can’t do it, because I only like to write when I've gotten myself to a better place. When I have come through the storm on the other side. I’m really not comfortable writing while I’m in the midst of the messiness. And so, when I go long stretches of not writing anything here, you can rest assured that I’m in the middle of something sticky and uncomfortable and I’m too afraid to write about it. Which explains my long absence lately...
I can’t really go into the details of my recent messiness, but I'd like to share a tiny bit with you. Let’s just say it involves one of my little babies having a very difficult time. Okay, none of my babies are babies anymore and I’ve been instructed to stop babying them - but I digress. Said Bebe is having so much inner turmoil and pain. Which of course causes me such turmoil and pain. And heartbreak. Honestly, I have been a wreck. Mostly because I have allowed myself to get so caught up in the fear - of the worst case scenarios - of the future possibilities - of the what ifs. I’ve allowed my fears to feed off of Bebe’s fears and pull me every which way. In response, I’ve been attempting to focus on what is right in front of me instead. Doing reality checks: Where are you? What do you see? What do you smell/hear/feel? Are you safe? Is everyone okay this very minute? This has been helping to ground me. To root me. Keep me focused on what I want to create for both myself and for my Bebe.
SO… the other day, I took my Bebe to the movies and we saw After Earth, which is ALL about overcoming fear. Literally. This boy and his father (Jaden and Will Smith) are futuristic rangers who fight these alien creatures called Ursas. Ursas can not see people, but can smell their fear. The father has to coach his son through a quest and repeatedly instruct him to “Take a knee.” “Root yourself. Where are you?” He must check in with the here and now, focus on the present moment. Do what needs to be done at this moment in time. Fear is all about the mind playing games on you, allowing you to believe something about the future that has not happened yet. "Fear is a choice." I could have sworn Will was talking right to me!!
Well, my fears don’t end there, of course. I have also been putting off applying for a graduate program (MFA) at Vermont College in Writing for Children and Young Adults. The program sounds amazing, its graduates successful, the coursework rigorous and stimulating. I feel like it could help me overcome my self doubts (because someone else would have given me an actual degree, proving my worth for real!). It would obviously improve my skills, elevate my writing, and perhaps open the door for me to go onto something like teaching writing. I can already envision sitting in my office on a sunny collegiate campus, grading papers. I’ll only teach a few classes a week, so I will still have plenty of time to do my own writing. The college will love me because I’ll be well published at this point. My kids will be old enough to drive over to campus to say hi and take me to lunch. Ah... Dreamy! All except for the part where I have to write a critical essay examining a book and its use of a particular writing technique as part of my application. According to my lovely friend Tara, I am letting my fear of rejection stop me from pursuing my dreams. I’m letting the fear dictate my reality. Overcome the fear! If you don’t get in, you don’t get in. It’s not the right time for it then. Something else will be in store for you. She makes it sounds so easy!
But my final push came today when I read Glennon’s Momastery post. Particularly this part:
I had to laugh - I love Glennon! Okay, so maybe it's time to overcome the fear factor and get on with it. Stop taking myself so seriously! Life is messy and it will NEVER be neat enough, calm enough, easy enough. I will never be smart enough, creative enough, perfect enough. Whether I write once a month or twice a year - I need to just do it! Take stock in the here and now, and move forward. Face my fears. Blaze my trail! Fill out that application. Have faith that my Bebe will be just fine. Take a knee and know I am well... Full of fear but also full of love.
