Over drinks with another couple last night, our conversation steered toward kids, namely parenting our kids. It was a great discussion, back and forth on how to handle boyfriends and cell phones and whether they should go to private school. One of our major points was how our children want for nothing. They hardly know what it means to struggle, to yearn for something, to work toward something for months, if not years. Sadly, we are to blame. We don’t let them struggle. We do things for them whether they can manage it or not - usually without even knowing their thresh hold. Half the time we neglect teaching them how to do things like the mowing, the ironing or the cooking, for fear that they are too busy, its too hard or that they’ll screw it up. We fear them making mistakes, and not doing it the way we like. This is one of those areas where my theoretical Life differs more than I would like from my real life. I have to credit Glennon Melton from Momastery with making that distinction for me: Life with a capital ‘L’ is the one that holds my beliefs, my ideals, my ideology - what I strive to do, be, accomplish, and life with a little ‘l‘ is what actually transpires in my house, my interactions and my experiences.
I read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck, Ph.D., in which she describes the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. I wholeheartedly believe in the growth mindset: there is nothing we can’t learn to do, mistakes are challenges we must overcome, and opportunities for growth. It is where the greatest learning happens. We should celebrate our mistakes, because they teach us resiliency, problem solving, and resourcefulness. I firmly believe we all should make mistakes, and learn from them. In Life that is.
Growing up, I was definitely a product (and believer) of the fixed mindset. Any mistakes were bad - I avoided them at all costs. Mistakes meant lack of talent. I often didn’t attempt new things for fear I’d do it wrong - or even simply that I wouldn’t do it well. I never tried out for the field hockey team after I moved to a new high school - I might not have been good enough. I never did ALL my homework, because if I truly worked my hardest and didn’t get straight A’s - what would that say about me? At least this way, if I didn’t get straight A’s, I knew I could have tried harder if I’d wanted to! This idea that I have to do everything perfectly or not at all has carried over into my adult life. Certainly my writing life. I constantly fight with myself - Who do you think you are to write? You weren’t a writing major - not even an English major! It’s exhausting. And unproductive. And it is not the Life I want - for any of us.
In my life life however lofty my intentions are, the reality is often different. I snap at the kids for their coats and backpacks strewn across the mudroom floor. I yell about gloves lost at school. And I full on scream when they push me too far with bad behavior and back talk. I even get upset about their grades - not yelling upset or grounding them upset, but the “I’m so disappointed in you” upset. After the fact I find myself on clean-up duty - cleaning up my life response and making it more in line with my Life response: “I’m sorry for screaming at you.” Or, “Lets think about how you can get that grade up. What do you think should be done here?” I’m afraid that my bad reaction to their screw ups will instill this idea that mistakes are fatal, that it will instill the same fixed mindset I am trying to overcome!
I once heard that our children and their struggles are mirrors of our own issues and obstacles. Again, I try to remind myself of that when they do something stupid. Allowing them mistakes, giving them room to grow and learn, embracing their own imperfection so they can find a better way. These are for sure my issues too.
So, I pledge to try really hard to let them make mistakes. Let them screw up and know they will still be loved, life will go on, we will work together to find solutions and ways to fix whatever was broken. There is always some sort of consequence for our actions, some will be bigger than others, some better, some worse. But if things don’t turn out perfectly the first time, or ever, that’s okay too. The journey is just as important. We can’t live today without having lived yesterday. I constantly remind myself that I WANT them to screw up now, while the stakes are lesser versus later into teen-hood or adulthood when the consequences could be far worse. Imagine texting inappropriate language now versus inappropriate photos later, for example. Or having a beer here at home compared to having your stomach pumped at college because you have never been permitted to go near alcohol. Or even worse, getting in the car with a drunk driver because you feel you could never admit to your parents where you were and what you were doing!
This brings to mind the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The fourth agreement is to “Do Your Best”, and know everyone else is doing their best as well. Our best changes on a daily basis - what we can do one day may be better or worse than the day before. If we could do better, surely we would. And so would our kids. I will try to take each day, each encounter on a moment by moment, mistake by mistake basis. I continue to try to bring my life in line with my Life. It’s a daily struggle. And yes - I fall short many days. But mistakes are okay. Right?
