Doling out "Gold Stars"

I subscribe to the Teaching Authors blog, which as a children's writer, I love.  They always have interesting insights and great writing exercises.  Today's post was titled "Gold Stars" by Jeanne Marie Grunwell Ford.  
 Teaching Authors--6 Children's Authors Who Also Teach Writing: Gold Stars 


Gold Stars focuses on summer reading programs for children, and specifically about whether we should reward children for reading when we are attempting to get them to love reading for its own sake.  On the other hand, Jeanne Marie points out - who doesn't love to get recognized for their hard work?  Adults work for the reward of their pay checks!  


My feelings are this: why not offer rewards?  We all like a pat on the back.  Kids especially love to know with physical, tangible proof that they are doing a good job.  What's the worst case scenario?  That they only read in order to receive a reward - and there after don't?  Well,  these kids most likely would never read a thing if they didn't have to - so now, at least they've been exposed to the world of literature.  Maybe, just maybe they will learn to like it.  If not, nothing lost - they still spent the summer reading.  


More importantly, life is short!  Let's look for reasons to celebrate, to have fun, to give out special treats.  Kids are only kids for a short time.  Dole out those stickers, those ice cream cones, those award certificates!  If there is an opportunity to make children feel special - take it!  While it may not be the most significant award of their little lives, it still may bring  smiles to their faces.  And what could be more important than that?


Don't get me wrong.  I'm not the sort of parent who rewards her kids for making their bed or setting the table.  My kids do LOTS of chores, with no reward.  They are part of our family and they need to contribute.  Period.  But summer reading falls into a different category.  Along with a beautiful report card.  There are so many expectations on our children.  When they go that extra mile, work really hard for a duration of time, do more than is expected of them, I say "Let's celebrate!"  I don't hand out money for every A, but I do say "You get to pick the restaurant, we're going out for a special meal because you did such a great job!" 


It makes me think of the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  Rubin devotes a year to finding little ways to become happier.  One of her conclusions is that making other people happy, makes one happier.  Some of her goals are to smile more, to be generous, "to be a treasure house of happy memories" (I love that one!).  My fondness for this book stems from these completely simple, every day strategies, which lead to becoming more mindful of one's own happiness.


So if handing out gold stars for every book a child reads makes that child feel good - if it makes her smile, if it adds to her happiness for even just a moment - then we've done our job!  In the end, it will make all of us happier!     

WRITING WEEKEND

This past weekend I was lucky enough to spend three days at Kripalu.  For those of you who don’t know - Kripalu is a yoga retreat center in the Berkshire Mountains.  It is a beautiful facility with the coolest stuff happening.  There are a million forms of yoga training you can attend, you can take workshops in Ayurvedic healing or sacred chanting or meditation.  I could not even begin to describe the course offerings (or the amazing array of delicious organic foods).  So I will simply talk about my course: Writing Down the Bones with Natalie Goldberg and Sean Murphy.  

It was valuable but draining, truly.  Natalie and Sean led us through an array of meditations and writing exercises to help us learn how to “free the writer within”.  By giving us different writing prompts she encouraged us to dig deep and go to the difficult places within.  To get to the point where our minds stop thinking - stops the normal discourse and gets to what she calls “Wild Mind”.  She was most interested in letting the mind wander - to follow its own path.  To conjure up the little moments, in all their rich detail - where the energy lies.  The topics that were least appealing were usually the ones where the most pain resided.  It takes a lot of energy to go to those places.  Here are a few: Tell your story of love.  Tell your story of loneliness.  How did you get here this weekend?  

Some of them were more fun: Describe what is in front of your face (physical or mental).    Tell everything you know about jello.  What is your relationship with music.  My favorite was: Tell something you will never do again (or a place you will never be again).  So here is my response (although I could write about this one forever!) 

I will never again see the paper thin skin on the back of my grandmother’s hands, covered in age spots and blue veins.  I will never look upon her yellowed fingernails as she lights her Newport Menthol cigarette.  I will never again hear her say that she’d vote for Mickey Mouse before she ever voted for a republican.  I will never again taste her apricot bars or her snowball cookies (my favorite) or her peanut butter blossoms - or any of the other dozens of cookies she would make at Christmas.  I will never hear her say “Fight nice!” to my brother and me.  Or hear her say words like “Yens” or “Doo-hickey”.  I will never again see her take off her thick glasses and rub her eyes at the end of the day.  Or see her bright blues eyes twinkle as she laughs.  I will never again ride the Greyhound bus with my brother for fourteen hours, past Three Mile Island in the hot, sticky summer just to go visit her.  I will never see my grandmother again.

For most of these we were given 10-15 minutes to write about them.  It actually helps knowing there is an ending point.  You don’t have to go on and on forever (unless of course you want to!)  Maybe you would consider writing your own - whether you are a writer or not!  It can be serious or funny, sad or silly.  It actually feels good to remember the little details, the ones you haven’t thought about in forever - the ones you forgot you even knew.  So go ahead - give it a try!  You’ll like it!  Ask Mikey!

OLD FRIENDS

I had the chance to chat with an old friend today.  This friend and I go back almost 30 years - eek -hard to believe!  He is one of those friends that I only speak to once a year - maybe two years, but none the less it feels like yesterday.  We spent our time catching up on all that is new in our lives and where we are - where we’re going.    

I realize that those types of friends, the ones you’ve had forever - even though you are not going out for drinks or making lots of new memories together - they serve such an important role.  We discussed the fact that we are forever bonded over those memories, those pivotal moments, those formative years.  I think it’s necessary to have those friends in your life to help you remember who you once were.  To remember those parts of your life that were so long ago - another life time, really.  Similar to how my brother was there to confirm that time that my mom did in fact back hand me across the dining room table for being snotty or to recollect how she used to take us to Charlie’s restaurant for our birthdays and we ordered chocolate eclairs for dessert.  So too, old friends fill in those gaps for non family times.  Like the day we watched a gigantic oak tree fall in total silence in Steep Rock, or getting into Checkers bar under age and drinking pitchers of beer only to puke it all up on the walk home!  Ah - youth!  

Being a 40 something adult - mother with kids - responsible ALL the time, its hard to remember who I once was - good and bad.  While I’d like to think I was generally the same person, I know a lot of growing up has happened since then.  There were dumb things done, awful things said, as well as wonderful moments experienced.  Thankfully  old friends were part of it.  Friends who help bring me back to those times - in a good way.  Friends who help to reinforce the person I’ve  become today - thanks to those times shared way back when…

So readers - who are those old friends for you?  Have you talked to them recently?

Wonderful Words

Words are funny things.  They can range from beautiful and lyrical to ugly and crass - evoking every emotion imaginable.  

I definitely have a few favorites.  Bizarre is one.  I love the unusual-ness of it.  Zest is another.  

Okay fine, here is my whole list of favorites:

Whimsical

Whisper

Dream

Linger

Frilly

Flurry

Sassy

Swirl

Divine

Believe

Luscious

Truffle

Potion

Papaya

Raindrop

Seahorse

Dragonfly

Moondance

Bougainvillea   I love to say that word - Bougainvillea!

What’s on your list?  

RULES

Rules.  Don’t you get irritated at the mere word ‘rules’?  It just gives off a bad vibe.  I’m not sure why though; rules in general are a good thing.

There are the rules (aka - laws) that are meant to protect us, that speak to our morality.  No killing, no stealing, no damaging other people’s property.  ‘Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife.’  And so on.  These are all obvious no-no’s (to most of us anyway!)  These can’t be broken, shouldn’t be broken.  Hopefully you’ll be caught if you did break them!

Next come the second tier rules.  I call these the Common Curtesy Set; such as the “Golden Rule”: Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Say please and thank you, hold the door, give up your seat to the elderly, tell the truth, look people in the eye, help those in need, be generous, be considerate.  Sadly these can be, and often are broken.  They can not be enforced, nor are they taught nearly well enough.  In my opinion, if we all could live by these rules, no others would even be necessary.  Just think, if we applied common curtesy to driving - there would be no road rage because people would kindly move out of the left lane and let others pass them (this seems to be enormously difficult for the American population!)  Speed limits would hardly be necessary because your concern for your others would stop you from driving 60 miles per hour down residential streets and past schools.  Ah, if only…

Then we come to all the “other” rules: the ones that fall into a grey area, the ones that tempt you - if not beg you, to break them.  The rules that were put in place by someone who was a little too rule happy.  These are the rules that bring out your normally well-hidden, rebellious nature.  For example, highway speed limits (not at all the same as the in-town speed limits referred to above!), no chewing gum in school, no running in the hallways, no walking on the grass.  Jay-walking.  Most rules of the english grammar language!!!!  Many of these are related to particular places and establishments.  Like  no throwing snowballs into the snow covered field during recess at my children’s elementary school.  Or no walking your first grade child to his classroom after the first week of school.  It just makes you want to break them out of sheer principle! 

Breaking the rules is not always a bad thing.  Just think, where would rock music be today if the Beatles and Elvis didn’t break the rules?  Where would art be without the impressionists who broke all art conventions of the time - Monet, Renoir, Degas and so on.  Then there are the political rule breakers who helped to change history: Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela.  If it weren’t for people who were willing to say, “These rules are not fair,” we would live in a very different world.  Breaking the rules becomes necessary at times.

In the end it all comes down to this very simple rule your mother taught you years ago: just be nice!  Be a good, kind person - the type who is concerned for the safety and well being of others.  Then maybe society wouldn’t require so many rules.  And we wouldn’t feel the need to break them all the time!

BALANCE Part II: YOUR SPIRIT

Over dinner with a friend, we hit upon the subject of personal balance, aka spiritual alignment.  I’m not speaking of religious spirituality, but of nurturing your own soul.  My friend, spoke of feeling impatient with her kids, not motivated, tired, uninspired by work - she felt the cause of all this was “getting old”.  When I asked her what she had done for herself lately, she replied, “...Cook dinner?”  I promptly reprimanded that cooking dinner was NOT something you do for yourself!  That is a requirement, an obligation - for some of us even a drudgery!  The end result was that she could not name one thing. 

Over the last several years I have come to learn how important it is to find time for myself.  No one else will make the time for me - hand me an hour or two on a silver platter and say, “Here - enjoy!”  I must carve it out of my own schedule.  

In order to carve time - I needed to figure out two things.  First I had to learn the signs that my reserves were running low - and I was in need of recharging.  Second, I had to figure out what types of things recharge me.  That may sound simple, but it was and continues to be an evolutionary process.  Checking in with myself, and how I am feeling  has become a daily task.  Whenever I find myself feeling irritable or depleted I run through a mental checklist: Have I worked out?  Have I been writing?  Do I need some solitude?

I saved an article from Traditional Home magazine, from September 2009 titled, “20 Ways Barbara [Barry] Nurtures Her Spirit.”  Barbara Barry’s list struck a cord with me - there are so many items on there that nurture my spirit as well.  Now I make a point to notice these things and include them as often as possible in my day, my week, my month.  Preventative medicine!  

Here are a few of my favorites from Barbara’s list:

“LIGHT   It is everything!  It illuminates a space and lifts my spirit.”

“SOLITUDE  It’s probably the most vital thing that restores my spirit.  I don’t watch television or listen to much music.  I like silence… in fact,  I require it.

“NEW BEGINNINGS  The minute I get a new project I feel that sense of excitement and play.  It’s my favorite moment in the project because it’s filled with potential.”

“HOME  My home is my haven, and it’s a testament to my work - fresh and clean and calm.”

Okay - so my home is not always clean or calm, but  it is my haven.  It brings me peace.  And as much as I love music - I love silence more.

Here are some of my own:

CREATING - Whether its writing, journaling, painting, designing or coloring with the kids.  It excites me, connects me - completes me.  I get cranky when I haven’t done it!

MUSIC - I love listening to music - the lyrics often have meaning to me - and it gets my creative juices flowing.

WALKS/WORKING OUT - This ties into solitude and music for me - I love having the time to myself and my thoughts.  (Which is probably why I don't like gyms)  It gets the energy moving; helps rid old/negative energy.

FRESH FLOWERS - Their color, their smell, their beauty.  Flowers make me happy.  And why wait for someone to send flowers when I can buy a bunch of sunny tulips from Stop and Shop for less than $10?

MOVIES/BOOKS - I love to be swept away - carried into a story.  Escape.  I am especially sappy for romances!  Movies appeal to my visual side, but books have the benefit of lasting longer.

EATING WELL - This is not a very exciting one, but I definitely feel good inside and out when I have had a healthy meal.

MASSAGE/ BODY TREATMENTS - I love the physical contact, the soothing environment, the lighting, the aromatherapy.  It appeals to all my senses and more importantly works out my knots and kinks before they turn into bigger issues.  I feel cared for.

CLEANLINESS - I get almost giddy when my house is clean and tidy.  The same goes for my body.  The laundry.  My kids.  The yard.  I like when things are squeaky clean and smelling fresh!  ( To the best of my knowledge I do not have OCD!)

There are so many ways to take care of YOU- yoga, running, afternoon tea, vision boards.  How do you stay balanced and nourish your spirit?  What brings you peace?  Joy?  Relieves your stress?  How do you manage to keep on top of it before life gets out of hand.  

I am reminded of the L’Oreal slogan - “Because I’m worth it!”  I think that is a mantra we all should adopt.  Whenever you wonder if you should splurge on that massage or take the time to go to Yoga, just say, “Yes!” and repeat, “Because I’m worth it!”  You are!

Link to Barbara Barry Article:

http://www.traditionalhome.com/design_decorating/bodyandsoul/barbara-barry_ss8.html

BALANCE

Balance is one of the most precarious concepts to achieve.  Whether you are talking about the physical - anyone who owns a VewDoo balance board knows what I mean, or the state of mind.   To live a balanced life - this is on everyone’s to-do list, isn’t it?  But what does that actually entail? 

There is the work time-home time balance.  You need enough work to feel productive, but not so much that it stresses you out or keeps from witnessing your children grow.  You need enough time to enjoy your family - but not so much that you all go stir crazy and can’t stand another minute with each other. (Can you say Snow Day?)

There is the family time - me time balance.  Again, you need to be a part of the greater whole, in order to really know, love and support one another.  But there needs to be a little bit of ‘me-time’ in there lest you become a cranky, nasty, grump!  You’ve got to plan those weekend get aways without the kids, even without your spouse.  It's a necessary component to balance!

The junk food versus healthy food balance.  The ‘going out to eat’ versus ‘cooking at home’ balance.  The ‘giving in to your kid’s whining’ versus ‘saying no-standing firm’ balance.  You need to balance how much you socialize, how much TV to watch, how many alcoholic beverages you consume.  And of course, how much to listen to your own nagging voices telling you to balance better! 

If it weren’t hard enough to balance our own lives we need to help our children find balance as well.  Many of our children are fortunate enough to play sports or be involved in the arts.  However, down time is a necessity in their little lives or they will burn out!  Jeff D. Opdyke wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal, about himself and his son.  The son had played travel soccer, made the elite teams, done all the right camps and was well on his way to a touted soccer career.  Until he turned 14 and announced he never wanted to play soccer again.  Ever.  This is becoming the norm.  

We are pushing our kids so hard in the direction we think they should be going,  that they reach a point of breaking.  Why do we feel the need to have our children do everything?  My own kids do piano, choir, band, soccer and skiing - every week.  And I am opposed to over scheduling!  But I also know the pressure of not wanting my kids miss out on things.  

In our society it’s all or nothing.  Travel soccer is either all year round or not at all.  Hockey, gymnastics, swimming - all are massive time commitments of 4-5 days a week  or more - or you can’t participate.  Where is the balance in that?  Why can’t we as adults recognize this?  Why can’t we allow them to play a sport casually rather than intensely?  Why must we treat it as a career choice at the age of 9?

In the end, balance is about learning how to say no.  Learning to say to ourselves, “It’s okay to miss out on this”, or even better to say, “It’s more important to miss out on this than put myself out of balance.”   Sometimes our children say no and we ignore them - telling them they are part of the team and must go.  Other times they insist they want to go (but are clearly past the point of over-tired), and we must show them that it’s okay to say no, to miss a game or a practice - or even to not participate in a sport!  I’m often amazed at how many of us don’t listen to our kids who say “I don’t want to do that!”  But if we don’t stop to listen then who will? 

So dear readers, do you find balance in your own lives? If so, how to do achieve it?  How do you help your children lead a balanced life?  How can we, as a society get to a more balanced point?