Reconnect

I feel the need to follow up yesterday’s blog.  Probably because I’m a perfectionist and I’m stressing out that you all think I’m a depressed basket case.  While I have plenty of basket case moments, I assure you, all is well.  You know how you have those days where you want to call in sick, not shower and wear your rattiest sweat pants, and you don’t even care who sees you? That was my blog post yesterday.  (Of course, those who know me well know that I don’t actually own ratty sweatpants and I can barely survive 24 hours without a shower — but that’s a whole different blog!) Anyway, I needed to be messy for a day.  

In college I waitressed at this nicer restaurant near Villanova.  I was one of the only college kids who worked there, and one night another waitress said to me something along the lines of, “What could be so hard about your life?”  She wasn’t trying to be mean, but I think she was saying what most people tend to think — only those who look like train-wrecks are hurting.  I guess my point is, lots of people hurt.  In different ways, in different times.  And that's okay.  And we need to be more gentle with each other.  Everyone has a story.  

So here is my horoscope for today — a day late but still fitting!  The words “connect” or “connection” are mentioned 8 times in two paragraphs.  I just thought it was an interesting coincidence!  Here are a few excerpts from it:  

August 26, 2014

Purposeful Socializing

Pisces Daily Horoscope

You may feel outgoing and have a desire to connect with others today. 

Simply by reaching out to those you love and sharing your affection in clear and honest ways, you will likely encourage them to reciprocate the gesture. 

Good ways to share your affection would be speaking your feelings in a private setting, (Okay - clearly not the route I took)

or perhaps writing a heartfelt letter to let someone know how much you care. (well, sort of…)

 However, by gathering our courage and sharing ourselves honestly with others, we enjoy the benefits of strong and meaningful connections. This allows us to create a greater sense of purpose in our interactions with others, as well as a sense of satisfaction about the quality of our relationship connections. (Yes!  Now, that’s what I’m talking about.)

I’m okay with being messy once in a while.  I’m striving for those quality relationships and meaningful connections.  And despite my moments of sadness and weakness, I know I carry with me a certain strength as well.  It’s all good.    

Besides all this connection business, what I got from my horoscope is the message to go out and par-tay!  Maybe I cut those parts out but it was in there -- just look at the title!  Anybody available???  

I’ll end with this, which has no significant meaning but made me smile this morning: 
(from Pinterest)

    

  

Connections

  

Again! I have terribly neglected this blog and only seem to return when something kind of big (in the life department) happens.  The something kind of big is the recent death of Uncle.  My mother cringes with these blogs, because she feels it’s like reading my personal diary.  Yes and no.    

I’d like to explain that my essay is about how I'm working through it.  I do not claim any greater pain, and I'm fully aware that my grief for Uncle pales in comparison to other's. I'm not attempting to portray anyone else’s experience here, only my own.  So in a way, yes, this is diary-like.  Writing about it helps me digest it.  I share it so that if you have ever felt some of these feelings, you can say, “Yes. I know exactly what she means.”  Maybe it will resonate with you.  Maybe it will connect us. 

I recently read the book Art & Fear: Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking by David Bayles and Ted Orland.  This quote has stayed with me, and I think it helps to explain my purpose here:  

"The need to make art may not stem solely from the need to express who you are, but from a need to complete a relationship with something outside yourself. As a maker of art you are custodian of issues larger than yourself" (108).

Not to say that I consider this blog art, but it is about the need to complete a relationship and also about issues larger than myself…  

My husband and I just returned from three days in Wisconsin to attend the funeral of his uncle.  Uncle died of a very sudden heart attack.  He was only 64.  He left behind a beautiful and loving wife, two amazing kids and three adorable grandsons (with two more on the way).  He was a beloved, wonderful man.  The kind of person who exuded a positive, fun-loving energy all the time.  He was a man who made connections everywhere he went. His dedication to those people — those connections — helped explain the well-over three hundred attendees at his wake.  

It was one of those funerals that was unbearably sad.  The kind where no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to stop the flow of tears.  The kind that left me feeling battered and raw afterwards.  Where I wanted to hole-up and check out for a little while.  Hit the pause button so that I could just cry all day long, for many, many days.  The kind where I came home and looked at my kids and felt at once, overjoyed and grateful that they were safe and sound and here for me to hug.  But also, where I felt a tiny bit angry: How could they just go about their day, carefree and happy, when something so profoundly sad had just happened?  I wanted to shake them and say, Be grateful for what you have, because you have so much — you have everyone you ever loved still here!  Of course, I would never be mad at them for not knowing what profoundly sad looks like.  And honestly, I thank God that they don’t know it — that they can be carefree children and still marvel at the world and revel in the laughter.  

As I tried to re-enter life at home, I found myself questioning, why do some funerals hurt so much more than others? Was it the quality of the person who died? Was it the manner in which they died? For me, I think it had more to do with who was left behind.  Not just me, but those closest to him.  What void was created when that connection was broken? 

In my long and unfortunate history with funerals, I’m finding the hardest are those I can relate to the most.  Obvious, right?  Clearly, I love Uncle and will miss him terribly.  I feel so sad for his kids, they not only will miss their father but also grieve that their own children won’t know the wonder of their grandfather.  I have been there — am still there — so I understand the various dimensions of that void.  But even more than that, I ache for Aunt's void.  Knowing how much she loves him and that he’s leaving a massive crater in the landscape of her heart, of her life.  All the plans they had, the joys they shared.  The companionship and support.  It brings to light every fear I have about losing my own husband.  I watched my mother lose hers.  I know that gut-wrenching sense of loss.  Where you wake up in the morning and within an instant your heart drops right through your body, and it feels like someone slams you in the chest over and over.  I’m afraid of feeling that feeling again.  Uncle’s death hits me there.  

  

When I see people crying at funerals, it makes me wonder: What losses have they had?  What chord of fear is this striking?  What layer of grief is it uncovering?   I also see the people not crying and wonder why not.  Maybe they haven’t gotten to that part of the grieving process yet. Or maybe they’ve never experienced the death of someone close.  Or  do they know it but somehow have come to terms with it?  Does a point of acceptance and peace eventually come? Is there hope?  

Feeling emotionally black and blue, I was reminded of Eckhardt Tolle’s book A New Earth. I dug it out to reread what he had to say on the “Pain Body” which he describes as: “The remnants of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not fully faced, accepted and then let go of” (142).  I must admit, this pissed me off.  I mean, I had done plenty of ‘work’ on my own grief; trying to come to terms with it, moving through it, accepting it.  And no matter how far I got, and how well I felt, there were moments where those wounds were reopened.  The veil was pealed back, exposing it all again.  As I read this last night, I wondered if this knowledge of loss, this intimate relationship I had with grief was going to continue to grow as I aged.  Would each additional funeral further increase the intensity of it?  Did I have a heavier pain body than others?  And more importantly, was I doomed to a life of sorrow? 

  

I read further.  Tolle goes on to discuss how to break free from the pain body by creating some room around the unhappiness: “That space comes when there is inner acceptance of whatever you are experiencing in the present moment” (166).  Not an acceptance of the circumstance or event, but an acceptance of what you’re feeling.  Acknowledgment of where you are.  He recommends to stop resisting your sad feelings, stop fighting them.  [I must give credit here to my husband, who with his own quiet wisdom has often said the same thing!]  Tolle states, to recognize it is an unhappy story — an unhappy and powerful emotion.  Once you do that, you separate from it, you create a space.  That space is a dimension of presence.  And being in the present moment quiets that pain body.  It all sounds rather philosophical and out there.   But I have to say, as I contemplated this idea, I started to feel better.  Not great, not chipper or happy, but better.  I felt that space.  I could breathe easier.  

Tolle is not the first person, nor the last, to profess the benefits of living in the present moment.  He just happened to be the one I turned to last night.  I don’t know if it will help you or if it will always work for me, but it is helping right now.  In this moment.  Instead of focusing my energy on “fixing” my sadness, or preventing it from returning; I’m focusing on just being here right now, breathing a little easier. And I’m thankful that I can, because there are people in my life, connections, I want to attend to — just as Uncle had always done.        

Fear Factor

At home we have a chalk board where I like to write inspirational quotes.  I annoy everyone in my family by making them read the quote and then even worse, talk about it!  This happened to be my most recent, randomly chosen, Pinterest-inspired quote:

It is interesting to me how interconnected life can be.  A long time ago a friend had read (and shared) that all emotions and thus actions originate in one of two places: either from Love or from Fear.  I have used, thought about and learned from this little nugget many times over the years.  Lately however, the fear factor has been rearing its head for me over and over - obviously a signal that it's something I need to work on, right?

Writing for me is a major ball of scary wax.  Every time I sit down to write, as much as I love it, I have to overcome serious bouts of doubt.  When I think about writing articles, I fear I lack good research skills.  When I work on my young adult novel, I fear that my ideas aren’t original enough, or I have too many story threads going or perhaps too few.  When I think about my blog, I fear I don’t have what it takes to write consistently.  Or worse, that I really can’t do it, because I only like to write when I've gotten myself to a better place.  When I have come through the storm on the other side.  I’m really not comfortable writing while I’m in the midst of the messiness.  And so, when I go long stretches of not writing anything here, you can rest assured that I’m in the middle of something sticky and uncomfortable and I’m too afraid to write about it.  Which explains my long absence lately...

I can’t really go into the details of my recent messiness, but I'd like to share a tiny bit with you.  Let’s just say it involves one of my little babies having a very difficult time.  Okay, none of my babies are babies anymore and I’ve been instructed to stop babying them - but I digress.  Said Bebe is having so much inner turmoil and pain.  Which of course causes me such turmoil and pain.  And heartbreak.  Honestly, I have been a wreck.  Mostly because I have allowed myself to get so caught up in the fear - of the worst case scenarios - of the future possibilities - of the what ifs.   I’ve allowed my fears to feed off of Bebe’s fears and pull me every which way.  In response, I’ve been attempting to focus on what is right in front of me instead.  Doing reality checks: Where are you?  What do you see?  What do you smell/hear/feel?  Are you safe?  Is everyone okay this very minute?    This has been helping to ground me.  To root me.  Keep me focused on what I want to create for both myself and for my Bebe.  

SO… the other day, I took my Bebe to the movies and we saw After Earth, which is ALL about overcoming fear.  Literally.  This boy and his father (Jaden and Will Smith) are futuristic rangers who fight these alien creatures called Ursas.   Ursas can not see people, but can smell their fear.  The father has to coach his son through a quest and repeatedly instruct him to “Take a knee.”  “Root yourself.  Where are you?”  He must check in with the here and now, focus on the present moment.  Do what needs to be done at this moment in time.  Fear is all about the mind playing games on you, allowing you to believe something about the future that has not happened yet.  "Fear is a choice."  I could have sworn Will was talking right to me!!

Well, my fears don’t end there, of course.  I have also been putting off applying for a graduate program (MFA) at Vermont College in Writing for Children and Young Adults.  The program sounds amazing, its graduates successful, the coursework rigorous and stimulating.  I feel like it could help me overcome my self doubts (because someone else would have given me an actual degree, proving my worth for real!).  It would obviously improve my skills, elevate my writing, and perhaps open the door for me to go onto something like teaching writing.  I can already envision sitting in my office on a sunny collegiate campus, grading papers.  I’ll only teach a few classes a week, so I will still have plenty of time to do my own writing.  The college will love me because I’ll be well published at this point.  My kids will be old enough to drive over to campus to say hi and take me to lunch.  Ah... Dreamy!  All except for the part where I have to write a critical essay examining a book and its use of a particular writing technique as part of my application.  According to my lovely friend Tara, I am letting my fear of rejection stop me from pursuing my dreams.  I’m letting the fear dictate my reality.  Overcome the fear!  If you don’t get in, you don’t get in.  It’s not the right time for it then.  Something else will be in store for you.   She makes it sounds so easy!

But my final push came today when I read Glennon’s Momastery post.  Particularly this part:

Do you want to know what the main thing is that keeps me from my writing? Do you want me to tell you THE NUMBER ONE OBSTACLE TO MY ART? Is it fear? Is it depression/angst/motherhood/wifedom/the paralysis of exposure? No. It’s not. It’s House Hunters International. And maybe ice cream. 

I had to laugh - I love Glennon!  Okay, so maybe it's time to overcome the fear factor and get on with it.  Stop taking myself so seriously!  Life is messy and it will NEVER be neat enough, calm enough, easy enough.  I will never be smart enough, creative enough, perfect enough. Whether I write once a month or twice a year - I need to just do it!  Take stock in the here and now, and move forward.  Face my fears.  Blaze my trail!   Fill out that application.  Have faith that my Bebe will be just fine.  Take a knee and know I am well...  Full of fear but also full of love.     

Shifting

“Life is change, 

Growth is optional.

Choose wisely.”

My friend Tara told me this yesterday.  I love it!  I love it for many reasons - this is mainly the path I have been on in my “Life”.  What can I learn from this?  How is this experience helping me to be a stronger person, a better person, a more patient person?    Of course I was thinking more along the lines of “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” - but this sounds so much more positive, doesn’t it?

One of the things that I have been working on lately - a personal goal, is learning to let go of whatever the current situation is.  I don’t have to fix it, I don’t have to change it or know the outcome.  I just have to remember that whatever is in front of me will eventually change.  Life is change.  

Forever I have fought with myself over EVERYTHING!  When I’m feeling down, I want to know why, what can I do to feel better, what am I NOT doing, what should I do differently?  When I’m feeling great, I often feel guilty, and that I ought to contain it, lest I look like I’m bragging.  What have I done to deserve this?  Nothing - I don’t!  Around and around I would go.  I never could get a good hold on any situation - like a slippery fish, it was always sliding away from me.

However, something shifted for me.  Somehow (with guidance from my girl Tara), I gave in to this notion that everything changes.  I stopped feeling depressed about feeling down.  I stopped fighting it and willing it away.  I decided to just let it be and KNOW that eventually - soon even - it would shift on its own.  Nothing is permanent - right?

What amazed me during the process, was that instead of putting all this wasted energy into when would I feel better, I just embraced whatever was in front of me.  I lived in the moment.  Dinner with three cranky kids?  Okay.  Having an angry parent blast me for the popsicle choice at a school PTO function?  Okay.  All I want to do is crash on the couch with a movie?  Okay.  I just said okay to whatever came my way.  And none of it was as bad (or guilt ridden) as I normally would have expected it to be.  There were even several funny moments in there.  There was room for laughter when it wasn’t all filled up with fighting.  

Finally, finally, finally I understood what Eckhart Tolle was talking about in "A New Earth", about being “present” and not attaching to your situation!  The more I loosened my grip on my current state of mind, the more it shifted.  Not instantaneously, it didn’t happen in a day.  But before I knew it, I was in this incredibly positive place.  A peaceful place.  Content, grateful, happy!  Thankfully I am still here.  I am riding this wave, knowing eventually it will flow into something else.  But having now experienced the letting go, I feel so much more confident and comfortable with the process. 

 I’m writing this blog today not only because it may help someone else out there who is going through a tough time, but also to remind myself the next time it comes up for me; everything shifts - energy moves and flows.  Allow it to.  Keep those circuits open.  Know it is okay to be ‘here’ - wherever here may be.  Just take it all in - like sights on a train.  Before you know it, you’ll be in a totally new and different place - one stop closer to your ultimate destination.  I wish you all happy travels!

Making Mistakes

Over drinks with another couple last night, our conversation steered toward kids, namely parenting our kids.  It was a great discussion, back and forth on how to handle boyfriends and cell phones and whether they should go to private school.  One of our major points was how our children want for nothing.  They hardly know what it means to struggle, to yearn for something, to work toward something for months, if not years.  Sadly, we are to blame.  We don’t let them struggle.  We do things for them whether they can manage it or not - usually without even knowing their thresh hold.  Half the time we neglect teaching them how to do things like the mowing, the ironing or the cooking, for fear that they are too busy, its too hard or that they’ll screw it up.  We fear them making mistakes, and not doing it the way we like. This is one of those areas where my theoretical Life differs more than I would like from my real life.  I have to credit Glennon Melton from Momastery with making that distinction for me: Life with a capital ‘L’ is the one that holds my beliefs, my ideals, my ideology - what I strive to do, be, accomplish, and life with a little ‘l‘ is what actually transpires in my house, my interactions and my experiences.  

I read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck, Ph.D., in which she describes the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. I wholeheartedly believe in the growth mindset: there is nothing we can’t learn to do, mistakes are challenges we must overcome, and opportunities for growth.  It is where the greatest learning happens.  We should celebrate our mistakes, because they teach us resiliency, problem solving, and resourcefulness.  I firmly believe we all should make mistakes, and learn from them.  In Life that is.

Growing up, I was definitely a product (and believer) of the fixed mindset.  Any mistakes were bad - I avoided them at all costs.  Mistakes meant lack of talent.  I often didn’t attempt new things for fear I’d do it wrong - or even simply that I wouldn’t do it well.  I never tried out for the field hockey team after I moved to a new high school - I might not have been good enough.  I never did ALL my homework, because if I truly worked my hardest and didn’t get straight A’s - what would that say about me?  At least this way, if I didn’t get straight A’s, I knew I could have tried harder if I’d wanted to!  This idea that I have to do everything perfectly or not at all has carried over into my adult life.  Certainly my writing life.  I constantly fight with myself - Who do you think you are to write?  You weren’t a writing major - not even an English major!   It’s exhausting.  And unproductive.  And it is not the Life I want - for any of us. 

In my life life however lofty my intentions are, the reality is often different.  I snap at the kids for their coats and backpacks strewn across the mudroom floor.  I yell about gloves lost at school.  And I full on scream when they push me too far with bad behavior and back talk.   I even get upset about their grades - not yelling upset or grounding them upset, but the “I’m so disappointed in you” upset.  After the fact I find myself on clean-up duty - cleaning up my life response and making it more in line with my Life response: “I’m sorry for screaming at you.” Or, “Lets think about how you can get that grade up.  What do you think should be done here?”  I’m afraid that my bad reaction to their screw ups will instill this idea that mistakes are fatal, that it will instill the same fixed mindset I am trying to overcome!

I once heard that our children and their struggles are mirrors of our own issues and obstacles.  Again, I try to remind myself of that when they do something stupid.  Allowing them mistakes, giving them room to grow and learn, embracing their own imperfection so they can find a better way.  These are for sure my issues too.

So, I pledge to try really hard to let them make mistakes.  Let them screw up and know they will still be loved, life will go on, we will work together to find solutions and ways to fix whatever was broken.  There is always some sort of consequence for our actions, some will be bigger than others, some better, some worse.  But if things don’t turn out perfectly the first time, or ever, that’s okay too.  The journey is just as important.  We can’t live today without having lived yesterday.  I constantly remind myself that I WANT them to screw up now, while the stakes are lesser versus later into teen-hood or adulthood when the consequences could be far worse. Imagine texting inappropriate language now versus inappropriate photos later, for example.  Or having a beer here at home compared to having your stomach pumped at college because you have never been permitted to go near alcohol.  Or even worse, getting in the car with a drunk driver because you feel you could never admit to your parents where you were and what you were doing! 

This brings to mind the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The fourth agreement is to “Do Your Best”, and know everyone else is doing their best as well.  Our best changes on a daily basis - what we can do one day may be better or worse than the day before.  If we could do better, surely we would.  And so would our kids.  I will try to take each day, each encounter on a moment by moment, mistake by mistake basis.  I continue to try to bring my life in line with my Life.  It’s a daily struggle.  And yes - I fall short many days.  But mistakes are okay.  Right?  

Word of the month...

So I had a session with Tara yesterday.  Tara is my emotional, spiritual and energetic teacher (or guru!)  Usually when I go to see her, I am at the point of desperation - exhausted and depleted and at a complete loss for how I got there.  However, yesterday, I went in feeling unbelievably calm and at peace.  I had mulled over what I wanted to talk to her about and work on, since I seemed to be at a very well balanced point.

Over the past couple of years I have consistently worked on saying NO to things (volunteering, meetings, get togethers, phone calls, making dinner, etc), in order to make my life feel more in balance.  I know myself well enough (as do most friends), to know I HATE having too many things on the calendar.  I dread the weeks where everyday is packed full of appointments and school functions and meetings and sporting events and so on.  Even when most of them are fun events - too many and I get cranky!  I truly would find myself depressed. Thankfully, finally, NOW I understand why - because I need those open spaces.  I need the unscheduled time.  I NEED time to think, to plan, to create - to decide what to have for dinner.  (As my husband can attest, if I’m too busy with other “stuff”, I DO NOT cook dinner... One of my daily gratitudes is that we are able to afford ordering out more than once a week!)  

I digress.  Anyway, I have also come to recognize that I need my writing time.  Although it is way too easy to push writing aside - seeing as I don’t get paid to do it (yet!).  However, I can feel it when I haven’t written in several days (I’m sure everyone in my house can feel it too!)  Kind of like exercise, writing is my release.  It’s where I expend my pent up creative energy.  It’s also where I try to make sense of the world.  It’s an emotional outlet and a philosophical one too.  It’s ironic really, that when talking to friends, I get SO sick of hearing myself talk (can't imagine how they feel!).  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to talk (again - ask my poor husband!) but at the same time, I get all nervous and insecure.  Am I talking too much?  Am I boring this person?  Am I lecturing?  I seriously need to just stop talking!  This is where I’ll interject a question and try to shut up.  However, with writing it’s a whole different game.  It’s just me, myself and my words.  I hardly ever get tired of hearing myself write!  I need it.  I need to carve out the time for it.  Which often means saying no to friends or my mom or even my husband, so that I can have an hour or two with my keyboard.

Currently, at this very moment in time, I have been building in writing time.  I have also been taking care of my PTO responsibilities, I have not been taking on too many other obligations that will NOT bring me joy.  I have (barely) been squeezing in workouts, I have been able to see friends, I’ve been taking care of business across the board!  And it feels great - the more I’m functioning from this lovely level stand point, the more I seem to be getting done.  I have my Christmas cards signed and sealed, my tree is up, the house is decorated, the gifts are just about all bought - and mostly all wrapped too.  I am on top if it!  Yahoo!  I’m very happy.

So, what do I want to work on with Tara?  What is next in my emotional development?

We discussed all the good stuff from above.  Then I mentioned that although there is all of this positive stuff for which I am so grateful, I still find that I have ALL of these emotions running just under my surface.  I well up at the littlest things - and have to swallow what could easily turn into sobs.  In fact, on the car ride to see Tara, I went from chuckling over the DJ on the radio calling Nicki Minaj “Sass and frass”, to near bawling ten seconds later when they played Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe'!  Call Me Maybe is making me cry!!!!!!  Granted, all I could picture was my 11 year old daughter and 167 other middle school students who were dancing and singing this song at the Unified Theatre production a week ago - but still.  Where did that come from?  I had to fight back those tears - I could’t go in to see Tara already sniffling - that would make it seem like I had big issues.  And I don’t!  Right?

I did share all of this with Tara.  As always, she led me on path toward discovery...  

What IS the emotion - is it sadness, anger, fear, loss?  I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I think it tends toward VULNERABILITY!  (Funny how that word keeps popping up lately).  I think I feel scared or hurt or sad, for so many things in life.  (Mainly because I FEEL so many things in life.)  I felt awe for those students with special needs who stood up on that stage in front of their peers.  I felt overwhelming joy to see all the other kids who were up there as well, supporting them.  I felt such respect for the parents of those kids with special needs, because that is a hard job.  All parenting is hard.  But knowing that your child may be even more vulnerable than the average kid must be so scary…     I feel fear that my children will suffer from being rejected by friends or classmates.  Or that they will feel insecure or sad or lonely.  However, I worry most of all about loss.  Losing a loved one - or worse in some ways for me - leaving my loved ones if I were to die - leaving them with all that sorrow and loss.  I guess it’s fear of pain and suffering - mostly the emotional kind.  I fear it because I know it.  And its not easy to rectify or overcome.  Even when you have come so far and done so much and are at such a good place.  Even when I have…  So what is that huge well of emotion just under my surface?  Ugh.  Tara doesn’t like when I say “I don’t know,” because she claims I do.  I think I know too, I just haven’t been willing to go there fully.

So that is my homework.  The next time those tears well up from some seemingly insignificant, random moment (probably a Hallmark commercial), I need to allow it come up.  I need to feel where its coming from.  I need to feel it and go there.  Offer it and allow it a release.  So if you see me crying on the sidelines of a lacrosse game or while cheering on kids at the Mitten Run, you’ll know I’m allowing myself to go there!  And that ironically, despite airing my weaknesses, I am getting stronger - by fully immersing myself in my vulnerability, I am opening myself up to connecting on a deeper level with everyone else.  It almost sounds nice!

I find it so interesting (and serendipitous) that Tara echoed so many of the ideas that Brene Brown spoke of in her TED talk.  Vulnerability is the word of the month for me!  

  

I’m writing this hoping you can find your balance too, and that we will all able to make those connections, that come from our vulnerable moments, stronger, better and deeper.  So, here's to exposing yourself ( in a legal way!)         

Love Letter

Speaking of serendipity, I had read Glennon’s blog about Dr. Brene Brown, and her work on vulnerability, shame and self worth.  I clicked on the links and watched Dr. Brown’s TED Talk videos and was mesmerized.  I loved them!  During this same time, I met a beautiful, young 21 year old woman who is struggling greatly right now - greatly.  It made me want to write a letter to her, saying hang in there.  I wanted to share some of Brene’s messages and ideas, as well as my own - to say it will get better.  On top of all of that it happens to be Thanksgiving today.  So, in an effort to offer my thanks, and share my thoughts I write this post - this love letter.  

This letter is to Tanya.  It’s also to all of those vulnerable souls who think that life is just too hard, to all of us (including myself) who need a pep talk, and to my kids too - of all the things I want you to know, of all the lessons I may teach you, I hope and pray I make this one clear.  

Life can be incredibly hard and it can suck!  Sometimes it just sucks the breath right out of you.  And sometimes it seems so dark and so hard, like it will never, ever get better.  It may seem like there is no way out.  BUT here’s the thing - there is ALWAYS a way out.  There is always a door or a window.  It just might be too dark for you to see it, but it’s there.  Sometimes you need to ride out the darkness, like riding out a storm - there will be an end to it, a dawn.  And that dark room you find yourself in, is also full of other people - people who love you.  They love you because you are you.  For no other reason.  It may not feel like it now, you may not realize they are there, but it’s true.  Please wait it out.  Don’t give up.

As much as life can be hard, it can also be beautiful.  For every dark night, there is a brilliant dawn.  And for every devastating storm, there is a majestic sky or a perfect rainbow.  For every self centered, nasty person you meet, there is an amazingly generous and kind one.  I know this sounds so cliche and easy.  But there is such truth to it - to the Yin-Yang of life.  And it is in those moments where a total stranger will perform some random act of kindness - like paying the toll for the person behind them, or driving supplies to NY and NJ to people who lost everything in the hurricane - those things make it all worth while.  Those moments of love, kindness and beauty make it worth the struggle and the hardship.  You have to know it will get better.

And know this too - we have ALL had those moments of hating life.  Of wanting to give up, or get out.  You are not alone.  I haven’t met one person who hasn’t felt overwhelmed at times, and sad, depressed, angry and so, so tired of it all.  Who hasn’t had a time when they woke up and felt that hundred pound weight on their chest, so heavy it hurt to breathe?  We struggle, but we push through, even when we don’t know how - or why.  You can do it.   You will come out the other side.  One day you will look back and say, “Thank God.  Thank God I didn’t give up altogether.  I am so happy that I am still here.”  

Here is another truth: You have many, many amazing moments ahead of you.  There are so many MORE people out there waiting to meet you, and to love you.  You have new friends to make - friends you may not meet for another ten years, but they will be there.  You are just at the starting gates of your life and learning what you can accomplish.  You have the capacity to move mountains, you just need to learn your own self worth.  The more you experience, the more you struggle through these trying times, the more you will come to realize you are strong.  The more you experience, the more you will come to trust yourself ... and things will get easier.  

Okay, but here’s the biggest truth of all: you don’t need to be perfect.  You don’t need to do it all.  You can stumble and fall and fail, and you will still be a beautiful person.  People will love you even more when they realize how human you are.  Showing your vulnerability makes you stronger!  (That is a tough one for me, but it’s true!)  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows for you to connect to other people.  You deserve love and light and all things good - not because of something you have done to deserve it, but because you are worth it.  Just YOU.  You are enough.  You always have been and always will be.  It’s not straight A’s that make you worthy, its not being captain of the football team, or the number of goals scored in soccer or the clothes you wear, it’s not that scholarship or that job or the group of friends or the perfect house - it’s the YOU on the inside.  

One last quote from Brene Brown, “You are imperfect, and you’re wired to struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”  You are worthy.  Please remember that - all of you fragile souls and all of you sturdy souls, young or old.  You are worthy, you are enough.  Keep pushing through.  I for one, am very thankful that you are here.